I'll spare the details, but the outline of my story is this: My husband came home one day, when our first (and only) child was just 6 months old and informed me that he was miserable and had been for a long time. He suggested separation and I was in shock, jaw dropping shocked. We rarely fought, were inseparable and best friends. I thought we were doing fine, with the exception of adjusting to a new baby. I couldn't believe all that I was hearing. After four months of his insisting that separation may be the only way to bring us together, I gave him the green light, but not with my blessing. I don't feel separation is the answer but I felt that with his sights narrowed on that, he wasn't going to get anywhere.
A week after he left, he told me (over the phone) that he wanted a divorce. I was hysterical. We just had a baby, our life was only beginning together. We spent years trying to have a baby and were finally blessed that in-vitro worked for us. I had no answers, nothing solid to explain his decision. And it didn't help that no one else understood it either. I spent the next 9 months pleading, begging, grovelling, crying, praying, going to counseling by myself; all in hopes that he would attempt anything at all to work things out. I just "knew" if he got back in the game it would make us stronger, and we would be happier and healthier than ever before.
And here I am, a divorced single mom with a beautiful almost 3 year old little girl that really doesn't know how different her life could be. Just when I feel I've turned one corner, something new pops up that I have to learn to live with or try to work through. I feel I'm at a loss. I've done everything in my power to try and put this behind me, to let it change me for the better. I've gained a lot of insight and I feel I've made a lot of positive changes. But I can't let go and I know it's making me miserable.
DISCLAIMER: I want you or anyone who reads this to know, that I know, there are differing circumstances to every situation. I don't mean to offend anyone and I certainly don't mean to say that anyone divorced made the wrong decision. I know that the decision to divorce is very difficult and not taken lightly and can be a very spiritual decision, and at times the right one. But I think my feelings on the matter play a part in why I can't seem to move on and therefore have to express them.
I've researched and read all the statistics on parents, and children involved in divorce. I have read and listened to countless talks (both LDS based and non-LDS) about the devastating effects of divorce and why it's so important to keep families intact. Yes, I know it's much more than research, opinion and even spiritual-leader guidance. I truly believe however, that divorce isn't the answer (please refer to my disclaimer), and more-so for my marriage. I get so angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. now when I hear church talks about why divorce isn't the answer, because it wasn't my choice (!). I know already all that could be, should be and should-have been. I know how difficult the rest of my life will be. I've seen the affects divorce has, first-second-third-fourth-etc-
My divorce was not my choice either. After many years and several children, my husband got engaged to another woman while married to me, nearly 4 yrs ago. The grief, anger, despair, helplessness to make him stay, and trauma were very great for me and for our children. Eventually, I had to accept that I was not the decision-maker.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with the scripture that says He who divorces his wife causes her to become an adulterer. The answer I got was that the one who causes it is the one whose head the sin is on and that I should not be worried on that point.
I had trouble sleeping for more than 2 yrs and often cried myself to sleep for nearly that long, too. But time does heal wounds and life can be sunny again. I tried daily to find things to be grateful for. Sometimes, it was just the hot water in the shower or music or that I'm not in a war-torn country and am free to get an education.
You may never see his choice as positive but your life can be positive and full of good things. You still have a mission in life.
I have been judged negative on occasion by those who don't know the reason for my divorce. I have to let it go. The people who do love me are so high caliber and I believe I will find every needful thing.
Good luck to you.
I should add that I have remarried and, no, I don't feel that there is some "taint" marring our happiness. I did not do anything wrong. I'm not going to waste time punishing myself by being unhappy because of a choice someone else made. I also do not mean to judge anyone else. We all have to deal with our trials in our own way and for as long as it takes. I only want to say that for me, life is good. It's good despite the divorce.
DeleteI found this blog right when the first few posts were written. I was in search of it. I wanted to know there are people who understand. Many of the posts there have given me comfort and hope. One particular post has been on my mind a lot lately.
ReplyDeleteI haven't typically been one to open up, but I had to reply to it.
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I have never had to struggle with my emotions before my divorce and it has been somewhat of a rollar coaster. How do we get over the pain and let go of the past when it keeps popping up disrupting our life? You just want the flies to quit buzzing around your ears, your eyes, your nose, your food, your house, your family... You want so badly to put up a net where the flies can't get in...a safe haven where everyone is protected and comfortable. Sometimes they [the flies] go away for a little while and all is well in the world, but they keep coming back, and you keep getting disappointed... and then you come to realize the flies are here to stay. The exes come in our territory and mess up our routines, half our kids miss out on family vacations or holidays, and there is a division in the family you cannot deny, no matter how hard you try. I don't know, I'm new to this blended family club, but it seems to me you just have to get used to these "flies". I suppose it always takes time to get used to a new normal.
On the other hand, I sometimes catch a glimpse of how being a blended family has been so good for us, for all of us. We rely on the Lord, we adapt, we learn how strong each of us are, we work together, we grow, we blossom, we appreciate, we cherish, we love, we care. I can see that our trials have helped us learn and grow. There truly are pros and cons in everything, opposition in all things. One article I read suggests, "Since God’s greatest concern is our spiritual growth, and challenging circumstances often spur spiritual growth, perhaps life in a blended family is more “ideal” than we might suspect." You can read the full article here: http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/8041.
Then again, being part of a faith that so strongly encourages the "ideal family"...and with good reason (Check out this article about why we Latter-Day Saints stick to the Ideal: http://thefamily.com/2011/11/15/the-perfect-family-why-we-latter-day-saints-mormons-stick-to-the-ideal/), you can see why it is such a rollar coaster of emotions for those of us who so obviously don't meet this ideal, and why it is such a devastating loss for those of us who once had that ideal and then somehow lost it.
Day by day, count your blessings, focus on what's most important, and WILL yourself to stay on the sunny side of life. It is impossible to come to Earth and feel no pain the entire time you are here. Pain is not an option. Misery is. The truth is...the flies are there for everyone. They may not be as visible to everyone, but we all have our struggles. And we mustn't let a few flies ruin our party.
MM, I would love for you to write for this blog. Pick your own topics. Maybe I could just link to your blog. You are a great writer and have a story that could help many. Thanks so much for your contribution. E-mail me at barbhasmail@gmail.com
DeleteNatalie,
ReplyDeleteI am saddenned by your story..and brought to a memory of years ago where I felt the same. Not many divorced people I know have "wanted" the big-D. I mean, who WANTS to be "used"? Who wants to join the ranks of "those families". The sad eyes and fake nods of sympathy!? Who wants to be "broken"?
I hope, somehow, you find a way to see the positive side of what is ugly and heartwrenching.
I have found mine. It is out there. Sometimes, the "broken" family is the luckiest one out there:
http://blendedissplendid.blogspot.ca/2012/11/if-its-not-broke-dont-fix-it.html#comment-form