Got Time?

 I have been divorced. 

I remember a time in my life, not too long ago, when I heard those words or thought of myself in that way, and it was literally like a ton of bricks fell on top of my head. 

I also remember telling everyone and I mean EVERYONE.....that I would never talk to a male member of society again.

EVER.

Thankfully that time in my life has come and gone. The change happened slow, and on my own terms. But nevertheless, it happened. My heart healed enough; and I was able to VERY tentatively try again. 

I read this quote recently and it felt profound. Why? Because it describes what happened to me.

 “Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.” 

-Alan Cohen

I let go.

It really was that simple. 

It took courage…it took time..... and that is okay.

In fact, that is an important milestone. Don't rush it.

Because I was able to let go and let myself heal…. I met my husband.

I feel incredibly privileged to be his wife. 

Being married to him is like coming home.

*(sigh of relief)*

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson

But it's still hard.

and here's why....

We are newlyweds, we are still getting to know each other....and we ALREADY have KIDS!!

Lots of them…. And lots of BAGGAGE!! Yep, I said baggage!

And because of that…

WE ALREADY HAVE MAJOR FAMILY PROBLEMS.

There was no breaking in period. None.

 There was no slow build-up of other human beings completely dependent upon us...They are already here...
7 precious little-ish ones.

It's a good thing they are cute. ;-)   

This is anything but romantic.

Sigh... 

How can we keep the spark alive in the midst of a tropical rainstorm of crazy kiddomness?!?!?!!?!?!???

(Ooh a metaphor and a made-up word in the same sentence…I must be on a roll!) ;-)

But that is not all…

Let's not forget that a major part of the craziness in our lives is not the children's fault:

ie. These little guys have another parent that we must constantly deal with.

This can be emotionally charged, frustrating, stressful and downright painful.

Thankfully not all the time,

but there are hard situations that come with this new family arrangement.

And all that is really okay too…and becomes increasingly easy with time, prayer, and patience.

So the question is:

HOW do you keep the spark alive amidst emotional turmoil and increased stress? 

David B. Haight said: 

You might wonder, “How can a marriage be constantly enriched?” We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, and integrity and also by ministering to and sustaining each other in our difficulties. Adam, speaking of Eve, said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23).

There are so many parts of this quote that I could write an entire essay on; but today I am going to focus on “endless friendship.”

I’m sure you are thinking that I’m really in no place to give marriage advice.
 You’re probably right.
But I do know some things through experience.

Here is some of what experience has taught me:

Be your spouse's best friend.

We "re-marrieds" already know all of the other 10,000 fabulous ways to keep your love alive…

ie: Date night once a week

Love Notes

Compliments

Don’t go to bed angry

Don’t yell at each other unless the house is on fire

Etc. Etc.  Blah Blah Blah…

We know these.

Oh, how we know them!!

 And we practice them.

Especially now…after all of…… THAT……

But don’t ever, ever, underestimate the power of time.

(YOUR) undivided time.

I’m being serious. Be your spouse's best friend, in all ways.

Let me tell you what that means for me:

  Learning to love the things my husband loves so we can spend more TIME together.

I’m about to tell you what the consequences for that little piece of advice have meant for me.

My husband loves horses. I mean he really LOVES them.

Even those two sentences fail to describe the passion he truly has for these animals.

I, on the other hand, have never been around them. To be frank and honest, I have built up a healthy fear of the equine species over the years.

A VERY healthy fear.

But don’t underestimate my devotion. :-)

I laugh in the face of heart palpitating fear…..HA HA HA

Ok..maybe not.

Let me tell you a story.

Ever since my husband and I started dating he has taken me on horse rides from time to time. He knows I’m a little nervous, (ahem….he has no idea how nervous) but I go, and feel like I get a little more confident every time. At least I DID feel that way, and kept feeling that way, right up until he took me on a horse ride in the mountains about a month ago. This consisted of several miles of (what I would call steep mountainsides, large drop-offs, and life threatening close-calls) beautiful flat countryside.

I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided I would ENDURE my mind-numbing, white-knuckled fear for the sake of my Hub. Oh, how I endured. I endured, and endured, and kept right on enduring until about half-way up the trail.

At that point my endurance had pretty much been worn down, through one terrifying experience after another, to a mere stub of absolutely NOTHING.

 I was on the brink of tears and could NOT go any further. I lost it, told my husband that I was getting off, tried not to cry and through squinted eyes accused him of setting me up to fail. BUT……He was not having any of it. According to him I wasn’t done, and he was NOT going to let me get off.

He obviously had no idea what happens to a woman after she has gone momentarily insane.

 I was getting off of that horse, and there wasn’t anything on this earth that was going to stop me! Not even him!  I could have back flipped off. I was NOT going to be on that horse’s back one more minute. Ignoring his attempts to keep me in the saddle, I jumped down and bravely (desperately holding back tears) told him to take my horse and ride down the trail, because I would be walking for the remainder of the evening.

I could tell he was trying really hard not to be mad; and after a few minutes of trying to convince me otherwise, he rode down the trail.

I was left alone.

The magnitude of what happened set in, and I could no longer hold it in. I started to sob.  Then I started hyperventilating. The heavy breathing came complete with weak knees and shaking hands… I had never been more terrified. I started walking (more like stomping) my way down the trail. I walked and cried, cried and walked, and while I was walking and crying I got madder and madder.

I didn’t care what my husband said; I was never getting back on a horse again, as long as I lived!

NEVER!

As my tears slowly ran out, I looked around and realized I was in the middle of nowhere, in bear country, by myself.

The weeds and bushes were tall, it was dusk, and I got scared. So I started running, and running and running……The trail just KEPT ON GOING!

Then the bushes moved.

I panicked a little bit. Then they moved again. Something was in there and it was coming right at me! At that moment, I knew I was dead. I was going to be bear fodder. I hated for it to end this way. My husband wouldn’t even know what happened to me.

I imagined him finding my boots three months later.

The world started spinning just a little bit…..I was dizzy…

As I ran around the bend I realized it was just my husband. 

Ugh! He waited for me!
 I slid to a stop. What was I supposed to do now?

I knew right then I had two choices:

I could get back on the horse, admit I was wrong and finish the ride, or I could walk right passed him with my head held high, and pretend I hadn’t just been bracing myself for a brutal bear attack.

 I wish I could tell you that I got back on the horse. But I can’t. Impending death could not even penetrate my hard head. He asked me if I was ready to get back on. “Nope” I said, hoping he didn’t notice my red swollen eyes. Then I continued walking down the mountain. 

I walked for what seemed like 3 million miles. The moon came out and I broke out into a cold sweat. The thought of sharp bear teeth was working its way into my brain again.

Then I saw him, a man on horse coming up the trail. 
My heart silently leaped!

“Good,” I thought, “he’ll scare away the bears.”

My husband came into view, but soon I realized this man was not my husband at all. 
He pulled up right in front of me.

“Is walking REALLY better than riding? “ He laughed. 
He and my husband had obviously discussed my predicament!

“Pfffft.” I snarkily replied and plodded on.

After what seemed like 13 hours, I made it to the truck, got in, and swore to my husband and high heaven I would never ride another horse again. 

And that was that....RIGHT?

Wrong.

I slept on it, and in the morning…I bargained with him.

 I promised him that if he would let me practice riding in the arena, I eventually would feel more comfortable on a horse and ride that mountain trail with him again…...someday ;-) He, being born and raised on a horse, could not see how that could possibly solve any problem. But not wanting to totally give up on me, he reluctantly agreed. 

So, (to my utter delight..*healthy dose of sarcasm* ) we rode in the arena every date night (and almost every other night as well). I wasn’t about to be beaten by a horse or give up spending time with my husband.

 I eventually learned to trot (without breaking out into hives). And… by the end of the summer, I could lope.

 I am sure you are proud. Okay, you might not be, but I am.

And…get this..

 I cannot begin to put into words what this summer has meant for our relationship.

Did I want to ride horses every date night? NO.

But I did.

You might be asking yourself….Does he do the same thing for me? 

 Absolutely.

And it feels good. (It was possibly worth every heart palpitation I had.)

Sparks are flying.

 A strong, shared conviction that there is something eternally precious about a marriage relationship builds faith to resist evil. Marriage should be beautiful and fulfilling, with joy beyond our fondest dreams, for “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Cor. 11:11.) - David B. Haight

And although we are far from perfect…

This is beyond my fondest dreams.

Now go and spend some time.

This is the time that will bolster you up during stress and hardship. This is the time that will remind you why your life together is worth all of the other *stuff*. 

This is the time that brings you together and will keep you together.

Forever.

 If you just absolutely cannot trust my advice, take a look at the snippet below from www.helpguide.org .

 I’m sure they have licensed and trained professionals writing for their website and not just some girl who has been there.

Here is what they have to say :

Maintaining marriage quality in blended families

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch during school time.

(follow the link below to read the entire post) :

 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

p.s.  (or ride horses, watch sports, change your car’s oil, dig a ditch….whatever it takes. Eternity is so worth a little dirt and boredom. And the sparks in my husband’s eyes are worth every minute.) 

-Barb