Only Kindness Matters...

 Not too long ago, I was feeling especially battered and bruised. Sometimes all of this blending is super tough and I admit to having some really bad days. My husband (ie. the amazing and inspired one) always has something to help. Whether it is a thought, an example, a kind word or even a scripture he seems to know exactly what to say to change my day from bad to better. . On the above mentioned day, he had been reading scriptures and came upon this little beauty:

 23 Now, I speak unto you concerning your families—if men will ^asmite you, or your families, once, and ye ^bbear it patiently and ^crevile not against them, neither seek ^drevenge, ye shall be ^erewarded;

 24 But if ye bear it not patiently, it shall be accounted unto you as being ^ameted out as a just measure unto you.

 25 And again, if your enemy shall smite you the second time, and you revile not against your enemy, and bear it patiently, your reward shall be an ^ahundred-fold.

 26 And again, if he shall smite you the third time, and ye bear it ^apatiently, your reward shall be doubled unto you four-fold;

- Doctrine and Covenants Section 98:23-27

Ok, Ok, I can do this.... Breathe,,,,,,

I would definitely prescribe the reading of these scriptures the next time you are feeling battered and bruised. 

Catch the spirit of kindness and try to just let go of the other stuff.... Or just laugh and eat cake.. :-)

-Barb

p.s. I would like to send a shout-out to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with a very wise and compassionate husband.

Spread YOUR kind of awesome...

This is one of the most inspiring things I have seen in a long, long, time. Thanks for reminding us Kid President. 

Pass this video around....and then go create something that will make the world awesome!

One of those days..

 Do you ever have one of those days when you'd just like to throw up your hands and scream  

"ENOUGH!!!!!!"

Me too.

Take a break, breathe deep, and work on developing one skill...

the ability to let it go.

Just let go and let it float away... far away....forever...

don't waste your time being worried, upset, frustrated, etc. over it for 

ONE MORE MINUTE.

That, my friend, is called success.

Happy Weekend!!

-Barb

Chinese Proverb: The most difficult battles in life are those we fight within

I have  thought long and hard on how I could write this post. Finally the answer came today.

This morning I began reading a new book...







 "The Rent Collector" by Camron Wright has on its very first page two ideas, that very simply sum up my thoughts. The first, is the name of this post. The other, I will explain.

Recently I was chatting with a group of woman, who like me, are blending a family. One of them asked me if I have a hard time with the idea that my husband has been married before.

 The idea of her husband loving another woman, having children with another woman, and basically having a past life with another woman, she said was at times, agonizing for her. She constantly struggled with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. She struggled with it frequently and even felt like these thoughts were damaging to her marriage now.

A few of these women also mentioned having extremely negative feelings towards their husband's ex. These women had either been in confrontation, had been attacked in some way by their husband's ex, or the ex had been a source of drama and stress in their life.

One woman said: "I just don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't get rid of these horrible feelings. I don't want to hate,  and I realize that hate is such a strong word, but I have a hard time not feeling hate towards her."

 I believe these feelings of competition,  jealously, and hatred  can cause a huge problem within our families and marriages. I also belief they are common.

That's why we should talk about it.

I'm not an expert, so the only things I can add to this conversation are those I have been able to do to prevent these feelings in my life.

First, I try to always have a forgiving heart. (Read my last post: Forgiveness...a Gift)

Second, I have come to the realization ( and this took some time ) that my husband (the exact way he is today) could not be possible without his past. This includes ALL of the people of his past. He is who he is (ie. amazing) because of all of those things that happened to him.

How could I not be TRULY THANKFUL for all past experiences and PEOPLE who have made it possible for my husband to be WHO HE IS and to BE MINE.

I have to be. I AM eternally thankful.

This idea helps me let all of the other *stuff* roll off my back, instead of creating an emotional burden. I just need to look at my husband to remember.

"The Rent Collector" starts with this quote:

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky."  -Buddha

Everything you have is here because of the past. It truly is PERFECT. Even if "things" aren't always perfect.

 _____________________________________________________________________________
 

Let me mention one more thing because I think it is important. I know I am always preaching the power of prayer but I want you to think of taking it one step further.

We believe in praying for our enemies. ie. Matthew 5:44   

"But I say unto you, ^aLove your ^benemies, ^cbless them that ^dcurse you, do ^egood to them that ^fhate you, and ^gpray for them which despitefully use you, and ^hpersecute you;"

 

My sister and I once had this conversation. I vented my frustrations about the person and she had a simple answer. She told me to call and put their name on the temple prayer roll. She mentioned that she did this often and that it helps.

The idea completely took me aback for a minute. I couldn't put THAT name on the prayer roll. That name was the very cause of my anguish! But I wanted to believe her.

I realized I was wrong. I knew my sister was right. (She always is.)

But I couldn't do it. Not then. Not yet. I told her I thought that was a great idea, but could she please do it for me until I was ready to pick up the phone and do it myself.  She did.

Today I can.

I would always suggest praying for your enemies and the ones who hurt you most in this life.

Healing happens when we can swallow our pride and pray for good things to happen for them.

(It's just not always easy) :-)

Don't give up.

Love, Barb

Do you have something that works for you? Either comment or send me an e-mail and I will publish your ideas on the blog. I LOVE YOUR INPUT!!

barbhasmail@gmail.com

Forgiveness...A Gift

Forgiveness can be a gift. It is also an important part of the healing process after divorce. It is especially soul-soothing when dealing with new family members within a blended family (ie. your children's step-parent, step-siblings, your step-children's other parent, and other extended new family, etc.). I know this from experience.

Over the past several years, I have felt hurt and wronged in ways that at one time were unimaginable to me.

Often, during those times, I have been angry and have wanted to hurt and lash out at the perpetrator of those hurts as much as they have hurt me.

At times, I think I have achieved that. Unfortunately, these achievements are not ones that brought joy or satisfaction of any kind. This kind of "revenge" only brings bitterness and hatred like a sickness or a festering wound to your soul.

I am going to talk about one instance in particular. I want to leave names and other details out but I think you will still be able to understand my meaning.

During my divorce, I was asked to be a Relief Society teacher in my ward. Words cannot express the feelings of inadequacy I felt at receiving this calling. Here I was... 30ish, divorced with four kids, and feeling like I had just failed at the most important thing I had to do in my life. I (as in failure ME) surely would have the knowledge, wisdom, and insight to teach the women in my ward, right? NOT!

I was determined to do my best; but, I was also encircled with the bitterness and contention of my divorce. Things were ugly and often my feelings were too. How could I escape?

I immersed myself in preparing my lessons. I read scriptures. I found quotes. I read conference talks.

One day, I was busy reading lesson material, when I came across this scripture:

"and be ye kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you" - Ephesians 4:32

Words cannot express what that scripture did for me at that particular moment.

I realized I needed to change. I realized I needed to somehow FORGIVE.  BUT HOW??? The pain I had endured seemed unforgivable. Despite all of that, I knew I still had to do it.

 I also realized that I could no longer live in this bitter and spiteful way. I could not physically or emotionally do it anymore.

I didn't know how and I didn't know when......but I had the desire to try.

I said to myself: "I will forgive."

I believe that is where we must all start. We must have the DESIRE to forgive. This might take time; but that is okay. I promise you it can happen.

This began a long journey. I made forgiveness my goal. I prayed for it. I studied for it. I read everything I could find on it. I needed to know what the Lord wanted me to do and what He could do for me.

I CAN tell you that eventually (years later) I did forgive; but I CANNOT describe what a miracle it has been in my life. That is beyond words.

I remember the day. It was a regular day. I was busy doing my regular things, when all of the sudden I just realized.

I  knew I had truly and wholeheartedly forgiven.

There was no vision or angels singing chorus....but..

It was like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders. All I felt was love. I cried. I knew all of those yucky feelings were gone. I was finally able to move forward.

I call it a mighty change of heart because I could honestly say that I did not want pain and suffering for the perpetrator. I only wanted good things for their life.

I was able to apologize for things I had done. I didn't need a return apology. I didn't expect one. That wasn't the point. I did my part.

I don't need or expect any kind of relationship with the perpetrator.

But forgiveness and good feeling was able take away pain and bitterness. A hurt inside my heart had healed.

James E. Faust said:

"Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness and when it comes, welcome it in."

One thing I was able to realize is forgiveness has everything to do with the Savior and the Atonement.

Remember when I wanted to hurt the perpetrator(s) in my life? I wanted to be repaid.

What I realized is that the Savior had already paid, and making the perpetrator pay was absolutely not my responsibility and really none of my business.

What we must remember is that forgiveness is a personal thing. It can be strictly between you and the Savior. It is not between you and the perpetrator of your hurt.  He is ready to take our hand and lead us down the path to forgiveness and healing.  He is so good and is so willing to help us learn how to forgive and let go of our most vicious hurts.

Corrie Ten Boom, author of "The Hiding Place" once said:

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” 

But even more thought provoking is this:

 “Forgiveness is to set a captive free, then realize that you were the captive.”

 

 

How true. I know ... from experience.

Happy forgiving.

Love, Barb  

 

Troubling Signs to Watch for In Your Children...By Jessie

Things you should watch for in your children:

1.      Grades go down. When going through a divorce, talk with child’s teachers to let them know of the situation. Most often, children’s grades will suffer during this hard time. Let your child know that if they need extra help, teachers and tutors are available and more than willing to help.

2.      Loss of friends. Let children have friends over and go out with friends. They may need an “out” and want to just feel normal. Be aware of where they are and who they are with, but let them make new friends. Sometimes starting a relationship when parents are getting divorced helps fill a small portion of that void.

3.      Change in dress. Girls, for the most part, will stop taking care of themselves through this time. This is a portion of depression and it’s important to help your children feel good about themselves emotionally, as well as physically. Especially for younger girls, help her with makeup, hair, and dressing. Watch for this sign in young men as well.

4.      Always needing a boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes children feel that through divorce, they need to find an intimate relationship with someone. It’s okay for them to date at the right age and time in life; however, if they are constantly dating and needing a boyfriend, they may feel alone when they are single. Push for group dates and meeting a lot of people. It’s okay to date, but be aware of who they are with and create rules for curfew, activities, etc…

By Jessie 

Boas and Top Hats... By Jessie

Every family has a great family photo. It seems like it's smack dab in the middle when you walk into their house. We had one, with the 4 of us, but it was taken down after Dad moved out. For some reason, a home doesn't seem a home unless a few walls are filled with pictures. Our wall was empty.

We always had our family photo's taken at Yuen Lui, a nice photography studio in Portland. Every photograph was usually with all of us matching somehow, and very posed. "1, 2, 3, smile!" This time was much different.

I heard Mom upstairs. It was only a few minutes until she came down with an armful of purple, sparkled boa's, and a few top hats. (From our dress up box we used to play in). "Go get your black high heeled shoes, Jess!" I ran and got them, to see what in the world Mom was up to. Both Rox and I got our shoes, and she handed us a purple boa and top hat. "We're going to get pictures done tonight!"

I was a bit confused, but at the same time so excited. Why would I wear this!?

She told me, and I'll never forget, "We're taking on the world ladies! We're going to dance and have so much fun tonight, and get our pictures taken."

It was THE BEST photo shoot we ever had as a family. Silly pictures of us with top hats on and purple boa's, and black and white outfits. We looked like tap dancers almost, but with some attitude. 

The wall was filled finally, and this time, with a silly picture. It reminds me everytime I'm home visiting how instead of taking an icky situation, my mom had us dance right through it.

My advice to parents is to just have fun during the hard times. Take crazy pictures. Go dance in the rain. Play board games until 3am with your kids. Just be silly! Fill your walls with great memories of you, and fill your home with a peaceful and fun place that your children feel safe. It makes all of the difference!

__________________________________________________________

 I love this story by Jessie and I have to admit it brought me to tears. I remember a time in my life when I did exactly what she is suggesting. I also remember how wonderful it felt to laugh, have fun, and forget for just a minute all the hard things that were happening in my life.  It was good for me and it was so very good for my children. I would like to suggest that everyone do this at least once and maybe even more than once and maybe even OFTEN. I think it's time I do this again. This is my silly picture:

 Thanks for reminding me Jessie...