I have been a happily divorced mother of 4 for 3+ years. I will spare the public the details of my divorce because we all know every story has 3 sides. The important part of my "story" are my 4 intelligent, beautiful, resilient and wonderful children.
Believe it or not, the very FIRST conversation my ex-husband and I had after the divorce decision had been made was how were we going to ease the burden this choice of ours would put on our innocent children. We had no idea at this time the impact it would truly have on them. I will get back to this... First, you have to understand the perspective of my children (and everyone else who knew us) regarding our marriage and relationship. Not only did we never fight in front of our children, we never fought period. We were the epitome of the "perfect Mormon family". We faked and we smiled and we did "all the right things" for a lot of years. In reality, we were both extremely unhappy and finally everything that had been swept under the rug for so many years started spilling out like a volcano! Needless to say, the divorce announcement on our part was a shock & surprise to anyone and everyone who knew us. Especially our sweet, innocent little children.
So, we sat down with the 4 of them and tearfully explained our choice and reassured each of them that we both loved them very much, and none of them were to blame. We promised them that we would continue to work together to raise them, we would always support each other in our parenting decisions and most of all we are still and always will be a family.
So begins a new normal... Yes, we are a family. Our family might be different than others, we have different struggles, challenges and issues than other families but this is OURS. Uniquely ours.
It has always been my goal to accentuate the positive. You bet there are challenges and heartaches and sadness, but I always spin it as positively as possible. My children have seen me cry. It is important for them to know that It's ok to be sad sometimes but those moments are few. I don't just act positive. I truly believe that we are blessed and our family is not "broken" or divided. Not by a long shot. When I met & married my wonderful husband, our family was multiplied. Multiplied by aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that have welcomed me and my kids into their fold with open arms. I couldn't be more blessed with the "bonus" family we are now a part of. With the challenges that face our children every single day, what could be greater than having more people who love them, watch out for them, and support them? We often discuss all of the positive, wonderful things and people that are in our lives only BECAUSE of the changes. People we wouldn't have known and experiences we wouldn't have had otherwise.
Of course it would be easier at times to be negative, bitter, angry and sad especially if you believe you have been wronged by a former spouse and his/her family and friends. I'm not going to say I have never felt that way because believe me I HAVE! But I make a conscious decision every single day to be positive and to banish any thoughts of hurt or anger from my mind. There are so many beautiful, positive things in my life. I would be doing myself a disservice if I were to focus on anything else!
If I could shout out to the world of divorced parents I would say.... Don't ever ever ever speak negatively of a former spouse (in front of the children is a good rule of thumb but I choose to do it never). Regardless of your feelings toward this person, your children are half of them. Would you say terrible, mean things about your children? Well, you are when you speak negatively of their other parent. You may think you are turning them to "your side" when in reality you are doing just the opposite. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they figure things out on their own.
So, my advice is SUCK IT UP, bite your tongue, always be more kind than you need to be. It doesn't matter how the other party chooses to play. You can only control how you play and you have such an influence on the way your children view life, change, & challenges. How do you want THEM to play? Of course it's not easy, especially at first but it gets easier and I PROMISE it is so worth it. Embrace the changes, challenges and trials that come your way. You may be surprised at what blessings may come from them.
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About Tiffany:
I have 4 awesome kiddos aged 5, 10, 15 & 17; a "perfect for me" handsome husband; we live in sunny St. George; I'm an RN at Dixie Regional Med Center on the ortho/neuro unit; I love boating, reading, cooking & shopping; and adding to my extensive shoe collection.
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