I am 45 years old and the child of alcoholism
and divorce. I am so blessed with a
wonderful family and a happy life, but it still makes me cry a little when I
write those words. I am the oldest of
three children and the only girl. I have
suffered from depression in the past along with a lot of other physical things
that are emotionally related. Both of my
brothers suffered from depression also.
One of them still does and the other committed suicide. I have also been
through a divorce and I know how hard it is.
It’s hard to help your children when you barely know how to deal with
your own pain and problems.
My family never talked about the alcoholism
or the divorce. In fact, my family never
talked about anything at all. The
problems were always there, like a big white elephant in the living room that
we had to tiptoe around and try to pretend that it wasn’t really there. We weren’t sure what it was or what to do
about it, but we knew it was BIG! I was
around 12 years old when I started to realize that everybody didn’t live this
way. That’s when my problems really
started. I was never sure what I would come home to. I was in survival mode for the next 6 years
or so, and stayed there for a good part of my life. There was too much going on that I didn’t
understand and didn’t know how to deal with.
My schoolwork suffered, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t concentrate. I started to look for other ways to feel in
control, which is a counterfeit for feeling secure. I started searching for ways to fill the void
and calm the panic that was always with me.
I made some bad choices and therefore added more problems to my already
troubled life. That’s what happens
sometimes. It’s taken a long time and a
lot of prayer, schools, books, classes and sheer willpower to learn a new way. I had to
learn to forgive, let go of the past hurts, and replace all of the negatives
with positive things. I had to parent
myself. It has definitely been a
process, not an event.
I
would like to share some of the things that I have learned and feel that would
be helpful as you try to help your children adjust to the things that have
happened.
As I said before, I am the oldest, and a girl. That is a double whammy in family life in general, but especially so in divorce and blended families. We have a lot of expectations of the oldest child. Girls are hard wired for responsibility, guilt, and nurturing. Girls tend to take responsibility for things. They are usually expected to help with the other children, the house and life in general. If things don’t go right, they usually look to oldest for a reason why, or to solve the problem because they should know better, or to help their younger siblings. You get the picture. In divorce that can translate into things like… It’s my fault, I must have done something wrong, I’m not good enough or I’m not loveable. Some other issues that some children deal with are… I have no power, I don’t trust anyone, fear of being abandoned, not knowing how to have a healthy relationship. If one parent or the other is made to be the bad guy, then anger at men or anger at women can result.
So the first thing I would suggest is to…
BE
THE ADULT… Children need to feel secure.
They need to feel safe. There will be
times when they won’t, so they need to be reassured that they will be taken
care of. That’s your job as a
parent. Even if you’re not sure how
things will work out, you need to reassure them that everything will be ok…
That they will be ok. You may be hurt,
angry at God, and angry at the world, but you need to tell the children that
they are safe, they are protected and they are loved. Tell them that no matter what, you will always
be there for them. That you will protect them. Then prove it.
Do what you say you are going to do.
Be where you say you are going to be, when you say you are going to be
there. If you miss every once in a
while, explain why and apologize. Don’t
let it happen often. Children of divorce
have abandonment issues and they need to know they can count on you.
Let them know that IT IS NOT THEIR
FAULT. That nothing they could have do
would have changed anything. That this
was between you and your spouse, and that sometimes people make choices that
hurt or just can’t get along together or whatever you feel inspired to tell
them. Tell them that they are good and tell them a lot.
Let them know that IT IS NOT GOD’S FAULT
either. Explain that everyone has their
agency and God can’t change what other people do to us OR what we do to
ourselves. BUT… God is always there to help us get through
the problems, to love us, and to show us the way when we ask. Children and spouses of divorce are often
angry at God and blame Him because they don’t understand Him or how agency
works. The ultimate in anger at God is choosing not to believe in Him at all
and shutting Him out of their life altogether to punish Him for not fixing
everything. Tell them it’s ok to be
angry at God for a minute. If you are at this place, pray for understanding. If
you are so angry you can’t pray… tell Him you’re angry at Him and why, then ask
for the desire to pray. Once you
understand, the anger goes away. PRAY
FOR UNDERSTANDING.
Let them know it is NOT THEIR JOB TO FIX
IT. They can’t fix it. They will try to be extra good or smooth
things over or make you happy. Let them
know that it is not their job to make you happy or your ex happy or anyone else
happy for that matter. Tell them daddy
is in charge of making himself happy, and mommy is in charge of making herself
happy, and they are in charge of making themselves happy. If mommy and daddy aren’t happy right now,
then tell them that you will figure it out eventually, but it’s still your job
not theirs. You are responsible for you.
They are only responsible for themselves.
Let them know it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to either, and
it’s hard, but you get to practice being flexible, resilient and learning a new
way. If children understand things it
takes most of the scary out of it.
We are
made up energy, and the world is made of energy. We are so used to it and don’t pay attention
to it, that we don’t even realize that it’s there. But, we can feel it. Just like if you are lying in bed in the dark
and someone comes in and stands next to the bed, you can feel their presence
and you open your eyes. When there are
problems in a marriage, trouble in the home or in your personal life, the
children may not know what’s going on but, THEY CAN FEEL IT, and it feels
yucky. It scares them because they don’t
know what’s wrong, but they can feel something. So it will help them if they can sort of
understand what is going on, or what went on.
BE HONEST with them. Not saying anything at all about the big
white elephant in the room isn’t always the best thing to do. They already know it’s there and it scares
them. You don’t have to tell them every
detail, and never make your ex out to be the bad guy, but let them know what’s
going on and that it’s hard, but that WE can get through this. Let them know it may take hard work, patience
with each other, and time, but WE will be ok.
Let them know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE. Tell them that you are there for them and
that you are still a family. The
dynamics have just changed. Let them
know that you all need to work together and give them a job. Let them have a responsibility in the family,
whether it be to give hugs when someone is having a hard day or drawing a
family picture or helping out with dinner so you can have time together. They need to feel like they are still an
important part of a family. The family
may be different, but you are still a family, and families work together. Families get thru things together and they
need to be assured that they are not alone.
GIVE THEM A VOICE. When children are caught in the middle of a
bad marriage, parental addiction, or divorce their whole life feels scary and
out of control. It IS out of their
control because they are children. If
they don’t learn healthy skills to deal with it then they may start looking for
other ways to feel in control or they may feel like a victim their whole
lives. So make it safe for your children
to talk to you. When things come up,
talk together about it as a family. Make
a safe place for them to express their feelings, even if it’s ugly. Validate them and let them know that it’s ok
to feel how they feel. Don’t ever tell
them they shouldn’t feel that way. Let
them feel the way they feel. LET THEM BE
HEARD. Let them know that their feelings
matter and their feelings are important.
By so doing, you will be teaching them that THEY MATTER and that they
are important. Talk to them one on one and let them know that it’s ok to be
angry or hurt or sad. Then try to figure
out a way, TOGETHER, to try to solve the problem and to move forward.
TEACH
THEM SKILLS. If you don’t have any, go
out and find some because you will need them too! Chances are if you’re reading this blog you
are already doing that. Everything I
learned in classes, from books, or in the school that I went to about people,
relationships, emotions, dealing with difficult people, etc… I taught my
kids. We read from The Book of Virtues
and Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and any other books that would help them every
morning. I taught them how I worked
through my struggles and taught them every time I learned something new. When you teach children skills, you give them
tools and you empower them. When hard
things come into their lives they have something to draw upon, they have tools
to work with and skills to use. They
will have a way out and they will not feel like victims… at least not for very
long. My children are out of the house now
and I still share the skills I learn.
TEACH THEM TO BE RESILIENT. Give them the hope of a better future. Teach them that no matter what happens or how
hard it gets to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
Watch the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons and this time apply
it to your/their situation and this time explain it to them and what it means. Let them know that it’s good to feel negative
feelings because they can spur us to action, cause us to make a needed
change. If we never got angry or felt
guilty, nothing would ever change. The
key is to learn to not allow ourselves to linger there for very long. Teach them to let our feelings help us
recognize there is a problem, then do what we need to make a change and move
forward. Teach them that it’s ok to be
angry, but it’s not ok to be mean.
TEACH THEM COPING SKILLS. If you don’t know any then GO FIND SOME! Help your children find constructive ways to
deal with their anger or sadness. If
your children are struggling then take them to counseling for a while so they
can learn some skills. They don’t have
to go forever and it would probably be better for them in the long run than the
karate class they are in this year.
A lot of these things apply in blended
families also. Each individual child is
struggling. Each child does matter. Each child needs to feel secure in the new
situation. Each child needs to be validated and heard. Each child needs to know that they are part
of something bigger than themselves and that they are a family. Each child needs to learn healthy coping
skills. Each child needs to have the
hope that through hard work, time and moving forward that it will all be worth
it in the end.
The last thing I would suggest to remember is that YOU are not alone and you don’t have to know everything or do this all by yourself. God is ready and waiting to help. He has ALREADY planned your escape route and plotted the path for you and your children. You just have to ask Him what it is, Listen for what He tells you to do next, then Go and Do It!
Good Luck… Wendy
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