A little history: When I was 14 my family lost our Daddy after a long battle with illness. It was a bit of a relief. The medical bills were gone, the stress, strain and constant worry about his condition was over and our family, though grieving, spent 2 years in relative peace. We achieved a norm unlike we'd ever had and things for my two brothers and I were comfortable.
Then "Dad" came along. In a whirlwind romance that
you'd expect from 17-year-olds, my Mom and her new man tied the knot. He
had 5 kids. She had 4. From the top down we all had a double with an
extra spoiled baby daughter at the bottom. With two married kids (both
with a baby) and two that had already moved out that left five of us on
bottom who would live together.
I remember the day that we were introduced. We met
them at the park (neutral ground) and were expected to "hang out"
together. It was awkward. Needless to say we weren't really birds of a
feather. I wasn't excited about my new Dad or the kids he was bringing
with him. Despite my best attempts at attitude-ing my Mom out of it, I
gave up. She was going to do this, she loved him and I was happy for
her.
Today: Fast forward 15 years. Our blended family
is still a work in progress. There have been a lot of fun times, a lot
of hard times and I am more thankful every day that my Mom found my
second Dad. It took 14 years for me to call him that, but I'm glad that
my parents let me come to it on my own. It feels right now.
I know now as a Mother it is all too easy to try and
push my kids to do what is right . . . . or what I think is right.
That urge has probably caused more trouble for our blended family than
any other. When my parents can step back and let us kids just be,
life is better. Even now as adults there are times when Mom or Dad
will try to over-encourage our inclusion of each other; times when we
'get in trouble' for gathering as "his kids" or "her kids" or forgetting
to invite someone to some obscure family gathering. It is frustrating
and breeds resentment and exclusion. Even as adults we like to pick our
own friends.
As a mother of small children I find myself
constantly saying, "You work it out." Yet, growing up I would often go
to my Mother with a problem, who would then, in turn talk to her new
husband and he would talk to my new brother or sister. If only I had
heard those words, "you work it out," a little more, I would probably
have a much better relationship with my siblings. Maybe we didn't need a
mediator, just permission to rock the boat a little with some good old
fashioned confrontation.
I am infinitely grateful that I have been blessed
with my blended family. I don't pretend to understand how hard it is to
raise children that way; but if I could ask one thing of parents who
find themselves in the situation it is this: let your kids find their
place. It takes time. But it will be so much sweeter if they
orchestrate their own relationships, build their own bridges and forge
their own friendships. Encourage them, pray for them, and then let them
be.
What a great post. Relationships are hard and should come about naturally. My brother died at 17 and it still is hard it has been ten years now. I ended up marrying one of his best friends growing up and I never would have thought id do that but it was the best decision I ever made.
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