Inspiration Bred From Experience... Wendy's Story

I am writing this in hopes of helping someone find ways to help their children through the turmoil of divorce and to learn some skills that will help them deal with it for the rest of their lives.  My name is Wendy and this is my story…

  I am 45 years old and the child of alcoholism and divorce.  I am so blessed with a wonderful family and a happy life, but it still makes me cry a little when I write those words.  I am the oldest of three children and the only girl.  I have suffered from depression in the past along with a lot of other physical things that are emotionally related.  Both of my brothers suffered from depression also.  One of them still does and the other committed suicide. I have also been through a divorce and I know how hard it is.  It’s hard to help your children when you barely know how to deal with your own pain and problems.

  My family never talked about the alcoholism or the divorce.  In fact, my family never talked about anything at all.  The problems were always there, like a big white elephant in the living room that we had to tiptoe around and try to pretend that it wasn’t really there.  We weren’t sure what it was or what to do about it, but we knew it was BIG!  I was around 12 years old when I started to realize that everybody didn’t live this way.  That’s when my problems really started. I was never sure what I would come home to.  I was in survival mode for the next 6 years or so, and stayed there for a good part of my life.  There was too much going on that I didn’t understand and didn’t know how to deal with.  My schoolwork suffered, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t concentrate.   I started to look for other ways to feel in control, which is a counterfeit for feeling secure.  I started searching for ways to fill the void and calm the panic that was always with me.  I made some bad choices and therefore added more problems to my already troubled life.  That’s what happens sometimes.  It’s taken a long time and a lot of prayer, schools, books, classes and sheer willpower to learn a new way.  I had  to learn to forgive, let go of the past hurts, and replace all of the negatives with positive things.  I had to parent myself.  It has definitely been a process, not an event.

I would like to share some of the things that I have learned and feel that would be helpful as you try to help your children adjust to the things that have happened.

 As I said before, I am the oldest, and a girl.  That is a double whammy in family life in general, but especially so in divorce and blended families.  We have a lot of expectations of the oldest child.  Girls are hard wired for responsibility, guilt, and nurturing.  Girls tend to take responsibility for things. They are usually expected to help with the other children, the house and life in general.  If things don’t go right, they usually look to oldest for a reason why, or to solve the problem because they should know better, or to help their younger siblings.  You get the picture.  In divorce that can translate into things like…  It’s my fault, I must have done something wrong, I’m not good enough or I’m not loveable.  Some other issues that some children deal with are…  I have no power, I don’t trust anyone, fear of being abandoned, not knowing how to have a healthy relationship.  If one parent or the other is made to be the bad guy, then anger at men or anger at women can result.

 So the first thing I would suggest is to… 

BE THE ADULT…  Children need to feel secure. They need to feel safe.  There will be times when they won’t, so they need to be reassured that they will be taken care of.  That’s your job as a parent.  Even if you’re not sure how things will work out, you need to reassure them that everything will be ok… That they will be ok.  You may be hurt, angry at God, and angry at the world, but you need to tell the children that they are safe, they are protected and they are loved.  Tell them that no matter what, you will always be there for them. That you will protect them.  Then prove it.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Be where you say you are going to be, when you say you are going to be there.  If you miss every once in a while, explain why and apologize.  Don’t let it happen often.  Children of divorce have abandonment issues and they need to know they can count on you.

  Let them know that IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.  That nothing they could have do would have changed anything.  That this was between you and your spouse, and that sometimes people make choices that hurt or just can’t get along together or whatever you feel inspired to tell them. Tell them that they are good and tell them a lot.

  

 Let them know that IT IS NOT GOD’S FAULT either.  Explain that everyone has their agency and God can’t change what other people do to us OR what we do to ourselves.  BUT…  God is always there to help us get through the problems, to love us, and to show us the way when we ask.  Children and spouses of divorce are often angry at God and blame Him because they don’t understand Him or how agency works. The ultimate in anger at God is choosing not to believe in Him at all and shutting Him out of their life altogether to punish Him for not fixing everything.  Tell them it’s ok to be angry at God for a minute. If you are at this place, pray for understanding. If you are so angry you can’t pray… tell Him you’re angry at Him and why, then ask for the desire to pray.  Once you understand, the anger goes away.  PRAY FOR UNDERSTANDING.

  Let them know it is NOT THEIR JOB TO FIX IT.  They can’t fix it.  They will try to be extra good or smooth things over or make you happy.  Let them know that it is not their job to make you happy or your ex happy or anyone else happy for that matter.  Tell them daddy is in charge of making himself happy, and mommy is in charge of making herself happy, and they are in charge of making themselves happy.  If mommy and daddy aren’t happy right now, then tell them that you will figure it out eventually, but it’s still your job not theirs.  You are responsible for you. They are only responsible for themselves.  Let them know it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to either, and it’s hard, but you get to practice being flexible, resilient and learning a new way.  If children understand things it takes most of the scary out of it.

  We are made up energy, and the world is made of energy.  We are so used to it and don’t pay attention to it, that we don’t even realize that it’s there.  But, we can feel it.  Just like if you are lying in bed in the dark and someone comes in and stands next to the bed, you can feel their presence and you open your eyes.  When there are problems in a marriage, trouble in the home or in your personal life, the children may not know what’s going on but, THEY CAN FEEL IT, and it feels yucky.  It scares them because they don’t know what’s wrong, but they can feel something.   So it will help them if they can sort of understand what is going on, or what went on. 

 BE HONEST with them.  Not saying anything at all about the big white elephant in the room isn’t always the best thing to do.  They already know it’s there and it scares them.  You don’t have to tell them every detail, and never make your ex out to be the bad guy, but let them know what’s going on and that it’s hard, but that WE can get through this.  Let them know it may take hard work, patience with each other, and time, but WE will be ok. 

 Let them know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE.  Tell them that you are there for them and that you are still a family.  The dynamics have just changed.  Let them know that you all need to work together and give them a job.  Let them have a responsibility in the family, whether it be to give hugs when someone is having a hard day or drawing a family picture or helping out with dinner so you can have time together.  They need to feel like they are still an important part of a family.  The family may be different, but you are still a family, and families work together.  Families get thru things together and they need to be assured that they are not alone.

GIVE THEM A VOICE.  When children are caught in the middle of a bad marriage, parental addiction, or divorce their whole life feels scary and out of control.  It IS out of their control because they are children.  If they don’t learn healthy skills to deal with it then they may start looking for other ways to feel in control or they may feel like a victim their whole lives.  So make it safe for your children to talk to you.  When things come up, talk together about it as a family.  Make a safe place for them to express their feelings, even if it’s ugly.  Validate them and let them know that it’s ok to feel how they feel.  Don’t ever tell them they shouldn’t feel that way.  Let them feel the way they feel.  LET THEM BE HEARD.  Let them know that their feelings matter and their feelings are important.  By so doing, you will be teaching them that THEY MATTER and that they are important. Talk to them one on one and let them know that it’s ok to be angry or hurt or sad.  Then try to figure out a way, TOGETHER, to try to solve the problem and to move forward.

TEACH THEM SKILLS.  If you don’t have any, go out and find some because you will need them too!  Chances are if you’re reading this blog you are already doing that.  Everything I learned in classes, from books, or in the school that I went to about people, relationships, emotions, dealing with difficult people, etc… I taught my kids.  We read from The Book of Virtues and Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and any other books that would help them every morning.  I taught them how I worked through my struggles and taught them every time I learned something new.  When you teach children skills, you give them tools and you empower them.  When hard things come into their lives they have something to draw upon, they have tools to work with and skills to use.  They will have a way out and they will not feel like victims… at least not for very long.  My children are out of the house now and I still share the skills I learn.

TEACH THEM TO BE RESILIENT.  Give them the hope of a better future.  Teach them that no matter what happens or how hard it gets to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.  Watch the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons and this time apply it to your/their situation and this time explain it to them and what it means.  Let them know that it’s good to feel negative feelings because they can spur us to action, cause us to make a needed change.  If we never got angry or felt guilty, nothing would ever change.  The key is to learn to not allow ourselves to linger there for very long.  Teach them to let our feelings help us recognize there is a problem, then do what we need to make a change and move forward.  Teach them that it’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to be mean. 

  TEACH THEM COPING SKILLS.  If you don’t know any then GO FIND SOME!  Help your children find constructive ways to deal with their anger or sadness.  If your children are struggling then take them to counseling for a while so they can learn some skills.  They don’t have to go forever and it would probably be better for them in the long run than the karate class they are in this year.

 A lot of these things apply in blended families also.  Each individual child is struggling.  Each child does matter.  Each child needs to feel secure in the new situation. Each child needs to be validated and heard.  Each child needs to know that they are part of something bigger than themselves and that they are a family.  Each child needs to learn healthy coping skills.  Each child needs to have the hope that through hard work, time and moving forward that it will all be worth it in the end.

  
The last thing I would suggest to remember is that YOU are not alone and you don’t have to know everything or do this all by yourself.  God is ready and waiting to help.  He has ALREADY planned your escape route and plotted the path for you and your children.  You just have to ask Him what it is,  Listen for what He tells you to do next, then Go and Do It!            

   Good Luck…  Wendy

Happiness Amidst Turmoil

Learning to find happiness amidst the turmoil of life has been a topic of much thought and study for me lately. I believe that finding happiness is one of our purposes here on earth. I also believe that a kind and loving Father in Heaven is always there to help us in our search for it. I know He wants it for us and that He has prepared a way for us to find it.

I truly believe that happiness is ultimately a choice we have to make. We have the power to create it within ourselves despite the raging tempest swirling around us.

I teach a communication class to troubled teens and their parents once a week in Provo, Utah. The students learn what is called the "Path to Action." This "path" takes them  through the before, during, and after processes of a difficult conversation. I want to focus on the before portion.

In all situations of life we go through certain processes that define who we are, how we feel, and then ultimately how we act. This is usually how it goes:

See Or Hear Something --> Tell Ourselves A Story --> Feel --> Act on Those Feelings

First, we see or hear something, then we tell ourselves a story about what we saw or heard. After we have convinced ourselves of that story, we start to feel in response to it.These feelings bring actions.

Something Happens...... Watch how you can control the outcome:

Bad Story = Bad Feelings = Bad Actions

It can be a vicious cycle. Let's  change that. 

Good Story = Good Feelings = Good Actions

As you can see, the ultimate power lies in the "Tell Ourselves A Story" step. This is the most important part, and it is where we need to focus. Its application is not just for a hard conversation, but for every aspect of our lives. It can change attitudes, it can bring happiness, it can bring peace, and it can change lives.

We must CHANGE OUR STORY.  When we see and hear the turmoil, heartache, and pain around us, we still must CHOOSE to find the silver lining, see the beautiful and be happy.

"My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 

(John 14:27)

LET not your heart be troubled. We must not LET ourselves despair. We have the power.

We also have the knowledge from scripture that the Saviour wants us to "be of good cheer."

"In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

(John 16:33)

I recently read a small book entitled "Finding Peace and Happiness" by Toni Sorenson.



 In it she states:

 "Jesus would never command us to do something and fail to provide a way for us to do it. If He says we can have peace and happiness in the midst of tribulation, then we can... Over and over His message is, "Be of good cheer."

Camille Fronk taught us at the April 2004 BYU Women's conference that:

"To the paralytic man lying helpless on a bed, Jesus proclaimed, 'Be of good cheer'. To the frightened Apostles battling the tempestuous sea, Jesus appeared on the water, declaring "Be of good cheer'. To Nephi the son of Nephi, who was subject to an arbitrary law threatening his life and the lives of other righteous Nephites if the signs prophesied by Samuel the Lamanite didn't' occur, the Lord said, "Lift up your head and be of good cheer'. As Joseph Smith met with then elders about to be sent out, two by two, to missions fraught with trouble and danger,  the Lord announced, 'Be of good cheer'. In each instance the people had every reason to be anxious, fearful, and hopeless, yet the Lord directed them toward a reason to rejoice."

In her book Toni Sorensen said:

"The very reason we exist, the very reason we were created was made clear by the Prophet Joseph Smith: "Happiness is the object and design of our existence." President Lorenzo Snow said: "The Lord has not given us the gospel that we may go around mourning all the days of our lives."

Let us not waste the blessing of life in misery. I challenge you to tell yourself a new story. Remind yourself of all that is good and all that you are thankful for. Don't get tangled up in the negative. Don't let the hard people or difficult situations in your life steal your happiness. 

Some days it will be harder to tell yourself a story of happiness. That's okay.

In an article entitled  Cultivating Happiness in the Blended Family by Diane Green, she talks of ways to find happiness. She lists some positive things to try, but with a small disclaimer:

"Remember, you cannot expect someone else (ex spouses, new spouses, step-children, etc.) to apply these same behaviors, but you can apply them  yourself and begin to reap the benefits."

Ultimately we can only change ourselves and what is inside of our own heart. We can also change how much power the negative things have over us.

 “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
~Kahlil Gibran

Let go of bitterness, and anger. Forgive others. Forgive YOURSELF. Don't fall prey to self-pity or self-doubt. Tell yourself something different...... something beautiful. 

Change can start today.

-Barb

An Anonymous Comment Strikes A Chord...

When I started this blog I fully intended it to be a discussion. Also, I have to be honest, I started this blog because I wanted help. I wanted to talk about what I was going through. I wanted to know that somebody other than me struggles with these things. I am amazed at the outpouring of heart and soul I have had from readers. Today I was blown-away by a comment that was posted in response to the "Natalie's Story" post. Like the anonymous commenter, this story has been on my mind....A LOT! I would like to say thank you to whoever wrote this truly inspired comment. I needed it. I hope that as you read, you will also take the time to read the articles at the links she included. If you have something you would like to share, please comment or write me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com. This is what she wrote:

I found this blog right when the first few posts were written. I was in search of it. I wanted to know there are people who understand. Many of the posts there have given me comfort and hope. One particular post has been on my mind a lot lately.

I haven't typically been one to open up, but I had to reply to it.

---------

I have never had to struggle with my emotions before my divorce and it has been somewhat of a rollar coaster. How do we get over the pain and let go of the past when it keeps popping up disrupting our life? You just want the flies to quit buzzing around your ears, your eyes, your nose, your food, your house, your family... You want so badly to put up a net where the flies can't get in...a safe haven where everyone is protected and comfortable. Sometimes they [the flies] go away for a little while and all is well in the world, but they keep coming back, and you keep getting disappointed... and then you come to realize the flies are here to stay. The exes come in our territory and mess up our routines, half our kids miss out on family vacations or holidays, and there is a division in the family you cannot deny, no matter how hard you try. I don't know, I'm new to this blended family club, but it seems to me you just have to get used to these "flies". I suppose it always takes time to get used to a new normal.

On the other hand, I sometimes catch a glimpse of how being a blended family has been so good for us, for all of us. We rely on the Lord, we adapt, we learn how strong each of us are, we work together, we grow, we blossom, we appreciate, we cherish, we love, we care. I can see that our trials have helped us learn and grow. There truly are pros and cons in everything, opposition in all things. One article I read suggests, "Since God’s greatest concern is our spiritual growth, and challenging circumstances often spur spiritual growth, perhaps life in a blended family is more “ideal” than we might suspect." You can read the full article here: http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/8041.

Then again, being part of a faith that so strongly encourages the "ideal family"...and with good reason (Check out this article about why we Latter-Day Saints stick to the Ideal: http://thefamily.com/2011/11/15/the-perfect-family-why-we-latter-day-saints-mormons-stick-to-the-ideal/), you can see why it is such a rollar coaster of emotions for those of us who so obviously don't meet this ideal, and why it is such a devastating loss for those of us who once had that ideal and then somehow lost it.

Day by day, count your blessings, focus on what's most important, and WILL yourself to stay on the sunny side of life. It is impossible to come to Earth and feel no pain the entire time you are here. Pain is not an option. Misery is. The truth is...the flies are there for everyone. They may not be as visible to everyone, but we all have our struggles. And we mustn't let a few flies ruin our party.

Growing Up In A Blended Family....Toni's Story

I come from a "traditional" family (if there is such a thing), so I don't even begin to think I can understand how my children feel being a part of a blended family. But I WANT to know what I can do to make it easier and make life a little bit better for them. I am so glad Toni e-mailed me and told me her story. Did you grow up in a blended family situation? Comment and let us know what worked or what didn't work in your family! Or better yet....e-mail me your story! This is Toni's story...


A little history: When I was 14 my family lost our Daddy after a long battle with illness.  It was a bit of a relief.  The medical bills were gone, the stress, strain and constant worry about his condition was over and our family, though grieving, spent 2 years in relative peace.  We achieved a norm unlike we'd ever had and things for my two brothers and I were comfortable.  

Then "Dad" came along.  In a whirlwind romance that you'd expect from 17-year-olds, my Mom and her new man tied the knot. He had 5 kids.  She had 4.  From the top down we all had a double with an extra spoiled baby daughter at the bottom.  With two married kids (both with a baby) and two that had already moved out that left five of us on bottom who would live together.

I remember the day that we were introduced.  We met them at the park (neutral ground) and were expected to "hang out" together.  It was awkward.  Needless to say we weren't really birds of a feather.  I wasn't excited about my new Dad or the kids he was bringing with him.  Despite my best attempts at attitude-ing my Mom out of it, I gave up.  She was going to do this, she loved him and I was happy for her.

Today:   Fast forward 15 years.  Our blended family is still a work in progress.  There have been a lot of fun times, a lot of hard times and I am more thankful every day that my Mom found my second Dad.  It took 14 years for me to call him that, but I'm glad that my parents let me come to it on my own.  It feels right now.  

I know now as a Mother it is all too easy to try and push my kids to do what is right . . . . or what I think is right.  That urge has probably caused more trouble for our blended family than any other.  When my parents can step back and let us kids just be, life is better.  Even now as adults there are times when Mom or Dad will try to over-encourage our inclusion of each other; times when we 'get in trouble' for gathering as "his kids" or "her kids" or forgetting to invite someone to some obscure family gathering.  It is frustrating and breeds resentment and exclusion.  Even as adults we like to pick our own friends.    

As a mother of small children I find myself constantly saying, "You work it out."  Yet, growing up I would often go to my Mother with a problem, who would then, in turn talk to her new husband and he would talk to my new brother or sister.  If only I had heard those words, "you work it out," a little more, I would probably have a much better relationship with my siblings.  Maybe we didn't need a mediator, just permission to rock the boat a little with some good old fashioned confrontation.  

I am infinitely grateful that I have been blessed with my blended family.  I don't pretend to understand how hard it is to raise children that way; but if I could ask one thing of parents who find themselves in the situation it is this:  let your kids find their place.  It takes time.  But it will be so much sweeter if they orchestrate their own relationships, build their own bridges and forge their own friendships.  Encourage them, pray for them, and then let them be.

Natalie's Story...I DON'T WANT THIS DIVORCE

When Natalie sent me her story she was worried that it would not be relevant to this specific blog. I totally disagree. I applaud her absolute honesty. I believe the majority of divorced people have felt this way at some point in time. I also believe that most of us will always carry feelings similar to this and will continue to learn, throughout our lives, how to cope with them. I hope that if any of you read her story and relate to it, or remember a time you felt that way, please, comment. I appreciate all of your input. This is exactly my goal for this blog, to start a conversation and to grow hope...

 I'll spare the details, but the outline of my story is this: My husband came home one day, when our first (and only) child was just 6 months old and informed me that he was miserable and had been for a long time. He suggested separation and I was in shock, jaw dropping shocked. We rarely fought, were inseparable and best friends.  I thought we were doing fine, with the exception of adjusting to a new baby. I couldn't believe all that I was hearing. After four months of his insisting that separation may be the only way to bring us together, I gave him the green light, but not with my blessing. I don't feel separation is the answer but I felt that with his sights narrowed on that, he wasn't going to get anywhere.

A week after he left, he told me (over the phone) that he wanted a divorce. I was hysterical. We just had a baby, our life was only beginning together.  We spent years trying to have a baby and were finally blessed that in-vitro worked for us.  I had no answers, nothing solid to explain his decision. And it didn't help that no one else understood it either. I spent the next 9 months pleading, begging, grovelling, crying, praying, going to counseling by myself; all in hopes that he would attempt anything at all to work things out. I just "knew" if he got back in the game it would make us stronger, and we would be happier and healthier than ever before.

And here I am, a divorced single mom with a beautiful almost 3 year old little girl that really doesn't know how different her life could be. Just when I feel I've turned one corner, something new pops up that I have to learn to live with or try to work through. I feel I'm at a loss.  I've done everything in my power to try and put this behind me, to let it change me for the better.  I've gained a lot of insight and I feel I've made a lot of positive changes. But I can't let go and I know it's making me miserable.

DISCLAIMER: I want you or anyone who reads this to know, that I know, there are differing circumstances to every situation. I don't mean to offend anyone and I certainly don't mean to say that anyone divorced made the wrong decision. I know that the decision to divorce is very difficult and not taken lightly and can be a very spiritual decision, and at times the right one. But I think my feelings on the matter play a part in why I can't seem to move on and therefore have to express them.

I've researched and read all the statistics on parents, and children involved in divorce. I have read and listened to countless talks (both LDS based and non-LDS) about the devastating effects of divorce and why it's so important to keep families intact. Yes, I know it's much more than research, opinion and even spiritual-leader guidance. I truly believe however, that divorce isn't the answer (please refer to my disclaimer), and more-so for my marriage. I get so angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. now when I hear church talks about why divorce isn't the answer, because it wasn't my choice (!).  I know already all that could be, should be and should-have been. I know how difficult the rest of my life will be.  I've seen the affects divorce has, first-second-third-fourth-etc-

hand. I didn't make this decision and would change it in a second if I could, especially for my little girl.  What's harder, is that mine is not a pretty picture.  I know there are blended families that get along so well and it really can turn out wonderful.  I don't see that for my future.  One post that struck me, that should have been encouraging, depressed me even more.  Half way through, I thought "I have to deal with this forever......it's never going to go away" and proceeded to spend the night bawling. I know all the potential happily-ever-after stories, that it could possibly turn out to be wonderful and maybe even the very best thing that ever happened. But ultimately isn't there always this "taint" in the whole picture?  Like a nagging fly that is buzzing around you're wonderfully happy family in an amazingly beautiful setting? I can't get past that thought.  I can't get past that with the already present turmoils that are presented in a not-blended family, you have that adding to them. How does anyone get to the point where they see this as positive?