Forgiveness...A Gift

Forgiveness can be a gift. It is also an important part of the healing process after divorce. It is especially soul-soothing when dealing with new family members within a blended family (ie. your children's step-parent, step-siblings, your step-children's other parent, and other extended new family, etc.). I know this from experience.

Over the past several years, I have felt hurt and wronged in ways that at one time were unimaginable to me.

Often, during those times, I have been angry and have wanted to hurt and lash out at the perpetrator of those hurts as much as they have hurt me.

At times, I think I have achieved that. Unfortunately, these achievements are not ones that brought joy or satisfaction of any kind. This kind of "revenge" only brings bitterness and hatred like a sickness or a festering wound to your soul.

I am going to talk about one instance in particular. I want to leave names and other details out but I think you will still be able to understand my meaning.

During my divorce, I was asked to be a Relief Society teacher in my ward. Words cannot express the feelings of inadequacy I felt at receiving this calling. Here I was... 30ish, divorced with four kids, and feeling like I had just failed at the most important thing I had to do in my life. I (as in failure ME) surely would have the knowledge, wisdom, and insight to teach the women in my ward, right? NOT!

I was determined to do my best; but, I was also encircled with the bitterness and contention of my divorce. Things were ugly and often my feelings were too. How could I escape?

I immersed myself in preparing my lessons. I read scriptures. I found quotes. I read conference talks.

One day, I was busy reading lesson material, when I came across this scripture:

"and be ye kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you" - Ephesians 4:32

Words cannot express what that scripture did for me at that particular moment.

I realized I needed to change. I realized I needed to somehow FORGIVE.  BUT HOW??? The pain I had endured seemed unforgivable. Despite all of that, I knew I still had to do it.

 I also realized that I could no longer live in this bitter and spiteful way. I could not physically or emotionally do it anymore.

I didn't know how and I didn't know when......but I had the desire to try.

I said to myself: "I will forgive."

I believe that is where we must all start. We must have the DESIRE to forgive. This might take time; but that is okay. I promise you it can happen.

This began a long journey. I made forgiveness my goal. I prayed for it. I studied for it. I read everything I could find on it. I needed to know what the Lord wanted me to do and what He could do for me.

I CAN tell you that eventually (years later) I did forgive; but I CANNOT describe what a miracle it has been in my life. That is beyond words.

I remember the day. It was a regular day. I was busy doing my regular things, when all of the sudden I just realized.

I  knew I had truly and wholeheartedly forgiven.

There was no vision or angels singing chorus....but..

It was like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulders. All I felt was love. I cried. I knew all of those yucky feelings were gone. I was finally able to move forward.

I call it a mighty change of heart because I could honestly say that I did not want pain and suffering for the perpetrator. I only wanted good things for their life.

I was able to apologize for things I had done. I didn't need a return apology. I didn't expect one. That wasn't the point. I did my part.

I don't need or expect any kind of relationship with the perpetrator.

But forgiveness and good feeling was able take away pain and bitterness. A hurt inside my heart had healed.

James E. Faust said:

"Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness and when it comes, welcome it in."

One thing I was able to realize is forgiveness has everything to do with the Savior and the Atonement.

Remember when I wanted to hurt the perpetrator(s) in my life? I wanted to be repaid.

What I realized is that the Savior had already paid, and making the perpetrator pay was absolutely not my responsibility and really none of my business.

What we must remember is that forgiveness is a personal thing. It can be strictly between you and the Savior. It is not between you and the perpetrator of your hurt.  He is ready to take our hand and lead us down the path to forgiveness and healing.  He is so good and is so willing to help us learn how to forgive and let go of our most vicious hurts.

Corrie Ten Boom, author of "The Hiding Place" once said:

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” 

But even more thought provoking is this:

 “Forgiveness is to set a captive free, then realize that you were the captive.”

 

 

How true. I know ... from experience.

Happy forgiving.

Love, Barb