The Anatomy of Peace

It seems that the world is in turmoil.There are wars, uprisings, terrorists, tyranny...The list goes on and on. As a divorced person I also find myself in turmoil and conflict more often than I had before. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to take two classes on mediation as part of my college education requirements. I definitely feel like Heavenly Father led me to these classes and has helped me see their relevancy in my life. The first class was focused on a course called "Crucial Conversations." I would highly recommend anyone taking this course. You can find it privately online here:
 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/products-solutions/crucial-conversations/

First let me tell you what a  crucial conversation is. It consists of 3 parts:

1. High Stakes

2. High Emotions

3. Differing Opinions

Divorced families face these things all too regularly. Wouldn't it be awesome if we all had better skills to handle these things more effectively?

This semester, as part of our required reading we took on the book:

This book is amazing and I would highly recommend it! It not only helps us to change our negative patterns, it invites change in others as well. One other great plug for this book is that it is not really a "self-help" book. It isn't structured that way. The book is a story. Things like this are much easier for me to read.

In my study of this book, I came across a blog wherein the author detailed her study and application of the principles taught in the book.

I think her posts are a great read and something to help get you thinking, or a way to help you to better understand the book.

The writer of this blog is incredibly hurt by her husband's firm stand on not having more children. She is hurt and at first feels he is mistreating her. Read how her thought process changes with the study of this book. 

Take  a minute to check it out. It is divided up into 4 separate posts. Here are their links:

Part One

 http://littlebitofthisalittlebitofthat.blogspot.com/2010/12/anatomy-of-peace-part-i.html

Part Two

 http://littlebitofthisalittlebitofthat.blogspot.com/2010/12/anatomy-of-peace-part-ii.html

Part Three

http://littlebitofthisalittlebitofthat.blogspot.com/2010/12/anatomy-of-peace-part-iii.html

Part Four

http://littlebitofthisalittlebitofthat.blogspot.com/2010/12/anatomy-of-peace-part-iv.html

-Barb

Got Time?

 I have been divorced. 

I remember a time in my life, not too long ago, when I heard those words or thought of myself in that way, and it was literally like a ton of bricks fell on top of my head. 

I also remember telling everyone and I mean EVERYONE.....that I would never talk to a male member of society again.

EVER.

Thankfully that time in my life has come and gone. The change happened slow, and on my own terms. But nevertheless, it happened. My heart healed enough; and I was able to VERY tentatively try again. 

I read this quote recently and it felt profound. Why? Because it describes what happened to me.

 “Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.” 

-Alan Cohen

I let go.

It really was that simple. 

It took courage…it took time..... and that is okay.

In fact, that is an important milestone. Don't rush it.

Because I was able to let go and let myself heal…. I met my husband.

I feel incredibly privileged to be his wife. 

Being married to him is like coming home.

*(sigh of relief)*

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson

But it's still hard.

and here's why....

We are newlyweds, we are still getting to know each other....and we ALREADY have KIDS!!

Lots of them…. And lots of BAGGAGE!! Yep, I said baggage!

And because of that…

WE ALREADY HAVE MAJOR FAMILY PROBLEMS.

There was no breaking in period. None.

 There was no slow build-up of other human beings completely dependent upon us...They are already here...
7 precious little-ish ones.

It's a good thing they are cute. ;-)   

This is anything but romantic.

Sigh... 

How can we keep the spark alive in the midst of a tropical rainstorm of crazy kiddomness?!?!?!!?!?!???

(Ooh a metaphor and a made-up word in the same sentence…I must be on a roll!) ;-)

But that is not all…

Let's not forget that a major part of the craziness in our lives is not the children's fault:

ie. These little guys have another parent that we must constantly deal with.

This can be emotionally charged, frustrating, stressful and downright painful.

Thankfully not all the time,

but there are hard situations that come with this new family arrangement.

And all that is really okay too…and becomes increasingly easy with time, prayer, and patience.

So the question is:

HOW do you keep the spark alive amidst emotional turmoil and increased stress? 

David B. Haight said: 

You might wonder, “How can a marriage be constantly enriched?” We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, and integrity and also by ministering to and sustaining each other in our difficulties. Adam, speaking of Eve, said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23).

There are so many parts of this quote that I could write an entire essay on; but today I am going to focus on “endless friendship.”

I’m sure you are thinking that I’m really in no place to give marriage advice.
 You’re probably right.
But I do know some things through experience.

Here is some of what experience has taught me:

Be your spouse's best friend.

We "re-marrieds" already know all of the other 10,000 fabulous ways to keep your love alive…

ie: Date night once a week

Love Notes

Compliments

Don’t go to bed angry

Don’t yell at each other unless the house is on fire

Etc. Etc.  Blah Blah Blah…

We know these.

Oh, how we know them!!

 And we practice them.

Especially now…after all of…… THAT……

But don’t ever, ever, underestimate the power of time.

(YOUR) undivided time.

I’m being serious. Be your spouse's best friend, in all ways.

Let me tell you what that means for me:

  Learning to love the things my husband loves so we can spend more TIME together.

I’m about to tell you what the consequences for that little piece of advice have meant for me.

My husband loves horses. I mean he really LOVES them.

Even those two sentences fail to describe the passion he truly has for these animals.

I, on the other hand, have never been around them. To be frank and honest, I have built up a healthy fear of the equine species over the years.

A VERY healthy fear.

But don’t underestimate my devotion. :-)

I laugh in the face of heart palpitating fear…..HA HA HA

Ok..maybe not.

Let me tell you a story.

Ever since my husband and I started dating he has taken me on horse rides from time to time. He knows I’m a little nervous, (ahem….he has no idea how nervous) but I go, and feel like I get a little more confident every time. At least I DID feel that way, and kept feeling that way, right up until he took me on a horse ride in the mountains about a month ago. This consisted of several miles of (what I would call steep mountainsides, large drop-offs, and life threatening close-calls) beautiful flat countryside.

I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided I would ENDURE my mind-numbing, white-knuckled fear for the sake of my Hub. Oh, how I endured. I endured, and endured, and kept right on enduring until about half-way up the trail.

At that point my endurance had pretty much been worn down, through one terrifying experience after another, to a mere stub of absolutely NOTHING.

 I was on the brink of tears and could NOT go any further. I lost it, told my husband that I was getting off, tried not to cry and through squinted eyes accused him of setting me up to fail. BUT……He was not having any of it. According to him I wasn’t done, and he was NOT going to let me get off.

He obviously had no idea what happens to a woman after she has gone momentarily insane.

 I was getting off of that horse, and there wasn’t anything on this earth that was going to stop me! Not even him!  I could have back flipped off. I was NOT going to be on that horse’s back one more minute. Ignoring his attempts to keep me in the saddle, I jumped down and bravely (desperately holding back tears) told him to take my horse and ride down the trail, because I would be walking for the remainder of the evening.

I could tell he was trying really hard not to be mad; and after a few minutes of trying to convince me otherwise, he rode down the trail.

I was left alone.

The magnitude of what happened set in, and I could no longer hold it in. I started to sob.  Then I started hyperventilating. The heavy breathing came complete with weak knees and shaking hands… I had never been more terrified. I started walking (more like stomping) my way down the trail. I walked and cried, cried and walked, and while I was walking and crying I got madder and madder.

I didn’t care what my husband said; I was never getting back on a horse again, as long as I lived!

NEVER!

As my tears slowly ran out, I looked around and realized I was in the middle of nowhere, in bear country, by myself.

The weeds and bushes were tall, it was dusk, and I got scared. So I started running, and running and running……The trail just KEPT ON GOING!

Then the bushes moved.

I panicked a little bit. Then they moved again. Something was in there and it was coming right at me! At that moment, I knew I was dead. I was going to be bear fodder. I hated for it to end this way. My husband wouldn’t even know what happened to me.

I imagined him finding my boots three months later.

The world started spinning just a little bit…..I was dizzy…

As I ran around the bend I realized it was just my husband. 

Ugh! He waited for me!
 I slid to a stop. What was I supposed to do now?

I knew right then I had two choices:

I could get back on the horse, admit I was wrong and finish the ride, or I could walk right passed him with my head held high, and pretend I hadn’t just been bracing myself for a brutal bear attack.

 I wish I could tell you that I got back on the horse. But I can’t. Impending death could not even penetrate my hard head. He asked me if I was ready to get back on. “Nope” I said, hoping he didn’t notice my red swollen eyes. Then I continued walking down the mountain. 

I walked for what seemed like 3 million miles. The moon came out and I broke out into a cold sweat. The thought of sharp bear teeth was working its way into my brain again.

Then I saw him, a man on horse coming up the trail. 
My heart silently leaped!

“Good,” I thought, “he’ll scare away the bears.”

My husband came into view, but soon I realized this man was not my husband at all. 
He pulled up right in front of me.

“Is walking REALLY better than riding? “ He laughed. 
He and my husband had obviously discussed my predicament!

“Pfffft.” I snarkily replied and plodded on.

After what seemed like 13 hours, I made it to the truck, got in, and swore to my husband and high heaven I would never ride another horse again. 

And that was that....RIGHT?

Wrong.

I slept on it, and in the morning…I bargained with him.

 I promised him that if he would let me practice riding in the arena, I eventually would feel more comfortable on a horse and ride that mountain trail with him again…...someday ;-) He, being born and raised on a horse, could not see how that could possibly solve any problem. But not wanting to totally give up on me, he reluctantly agreed. 

So, (to my utter delight..*healthy dose of sarcasm* ) we rode in the arena every date night (and almost every other night as well). I wasn’t about to be beaten by a horse or give up spending time with my husband.

 I eventually learned to trot (without breaking out into hives). And… by the end of the summer, I could lope.

 I am sure you are proud. Okay, you might not be, but I am.

And…get this..

 I cannot begin to put into words what this summer has meant for our relationship.

Did I want to ride horses every date night? NO.

But I did.

You might be asking yourself….Does he do the same thing for me? 

 Absolutely.

And it feels good. (It was possibly worth every heart palpitation I had.)

Sparks are flying.

 A strong, shared conviction that there is something eternally precious about a marriage relationship builds faith to resist evil. Marriage should be beautiful and fulfilling, with joy beyond our fondest dreams, for “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Cor. 11:11.) - David B. Haight

And although we are far from perfect…

This is beyond my fondest dreams.

Now go and spend some time.

This is the time that will bolster you up during stress and hardship. This is the time that will remind you why your life together is worth all of the other *stuff*. 

This is the time that brings you together and will keep you together.

Forever.

 If you just absolutely cannot trust my advice, take a look at the snippet below from www.helpguide.org .

 I’m sure they have licensed and trained professionals writing for their website and not just some girl who has been there.

Here is what they have to say :

Maintaining marriage quality in blended families

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch during school time.

(follow the link below to read the entire post) :

 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

p.s.  (or ride horses, watch sports, change your car’s oil, dig a ditch….whatever it takes. Eternity is so worth a little dirt and boredom. And the sparks in my husband’s eyes are worth every minute.) 

-Barb

A Positive Approach..Tiffany's story

I have received some really heartfelt e-mails from people who have gone through divorce and its aftermath. One of the reasons I started this blog was to create a support group. I am so grateful to those of you who are willing to share your story with me and with the readers of this blog. I want you to know that sharing your story/stories is a service to others, and I hope it can help other people just as much as it helps me. This is Tiffany's story:

I have been a happily divorced mother of 4 for 3+ years. I will spare the public the details of my divorce because we all know every story has 3 sides. The important part of my "story" are my 4 intelligent, beautiful, resilient and wonderful children.

Believe it or not, the very FIRST conversation my ex-husband and I had after the divorce decision had been made was how were we going to ease the burden this choice of ours would put on our innocent children.  We had no idea at this time the impact it would truly have on them. I will get back to this... First, you have to understand the perspective of my children (and everyone else who knew us) regarding our marriage and relationship. Not only did we never fight in front of our children, we never fought period.  We were the epitome of the "perfect Mormon family". We faked and we smiled and we did "all the right things" for a lot of years. In reality, we were both extremely unhappy and finally everything that had been swept under the rug for so many years started spilling out like a volcano! Needless to say, the divorce announcement on our part was a shock & surprise to anyone and everyone who knew us. Especially our sweet, innocent little children.

So, we sat down with the 4 of them and tearfully explained our choice and reassured each of them that we both loved them very much, and none of them were to blame. We promised them that we would continue to work together to raise them, we would always support each other in our parenting decisions and most of all we are still and always will be a family.

So begins a new normal... Yes, we are a family. Our family might be different than others, we have different struggles, challenges and issues than other families but this is OURS. Uniquely ours.

It has always been my goal to accentuate the positive.  You bet there are challenges and heartaches and sadness, but I always spin it as positively as possible. My children have seen me cry. It is important for them to know that It's ok to be sad sometimes but those moments are few. I don't just act positive.  I truly believe that we are blessed and our family is not "broken" or divided. Not by a long shot.  When I met & married my wonderful husband, our family was multiplied.  Multiplied by aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that have welcomed me and my kids into their fold with open arms.  I couldn't be more blessed with the "bonus" family we are now a part of. With the challenges that face our children every single day, what could be greater than having more people who love them, watch out for them, and support them?  We often discuss all of the positive, wonderful things and people that are in our lives only BECAUSE of the changes. People we wouldn't have known and experiences we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Of course it would be easier at times to be negative, bitter, angry and sad especially if you believe you have been wronged by a former spouse and his/her family and friends.  I'm not going to say I have never felt that way because believe me I HAVE! But I make a conscious decision every single day to be positive and to banish any thoughts of hurt or anger from my mind.  There are so many beautiful, positive things in my life. I would be doing myself a disservice if I were to focus on anything else!

If I could shout out to the world of divorced parents I would say.... Don't ever ever ever speak negatively of a former spouse (in front of the children is a good rule of thumb but I choose to do it never).  Regardless of your feelings toward this person, your children are half of them.  Would you say terrible, mean things about your children? Well, you are when you speak negatively of their other parent.  You may think you are turning them to "your side" when in reality you are doing just the opposite.  Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they figure things out on their own.

So, my advice is SUCK IT UP, bite your tongue, always be more kind than you need to be. It doesn't matter how the other party chooses to play.  You can only control how you play and you have such an influence on the way your children view life, change, & challenges.  How do you want THEM to play? Of course it's not easy, especially at first but it gets easier and I PROMISE it is so worth it. Embrace the changes, challenges and trials that come your way. You may be surprised at what blessings may come from them.
 ______________________________________________

 About Tiffany:
 I have 4 awesome kiddos aged 5, 10, 15 & 17; a "perfect for me" handsome husband; we live in sunny St. George; I'm an RN at Dixie Regional Med Center on the ortho/neuro unit; I love boating, reading, cooking & shopping; and adding to my extensive shoe collection.

A better way..

4 common sentences you could say to your child in a better way:

1. (When it comes to choosing which house to spend time at.) "It's your choice." I have found that when this sentence is used, even in the most neutral way, it demands a lot from a child. It is often better to say, "You spent last Christmas here, you could always spend it at your [mom's, dad's] house this year." It gives the child an option, while also allowing them to see that it's okay and it won't hurt your feelings.

2. "You're too young to understand." Even if your child is too young to understand certain topics of discussion, whether it comes to your separation or divorce, never make them feel like they are inadequate or too immature to understand- especially while they have lived in the same house (they probably understand more than you think.) Instead, you could phrase your sentence: "Some of these topics are hard for me to talk about. When I feel more comfortable, we can talk then."

3. "I'm fine." Children can see when you're crying, upset, frustrated, angry... just about every emotion. It's okay to not always be the "perfect" mom or dad. If you're sad, it's okay to show that. It allows your children to know that their feelings are normal, and that they can share their frustrations with you as well. You can say in a sweet tone, "Honey, I am having a really hard day. Let's do something to make it better together!" This also allows for bonding time and turns your sad day upside-down.

4. "It's your [mom's, dad's] fault". Try to never place blame elsewhere, even if it is deserved in your mind. Children don't need to be put in the middle of a separation or divorce. If your child does something differently at your spouse's/ex's home that you don't want done at yours, it's okay to know that you have your own rules and ways at your house. You could try by saying, "Your [mom, dad] likes to do it this way. I like it done too, but in this way (give your example.) By making it more positive a sentence, you eliminate any judgments and aren't placing blame.

-Jessie