Thursday, September 27, 2012

Meet Jessie..

In my quest to find answers and spread the word about my goals for this blog I have often found myself talking about it with people in all areas of my life: Home, Work, School and Church.

I was sort-of doing a blog pitch to one of my classes a few weeks ago and I mentioned some painful things that my children have had to go through during the whole process of divorce to blended family.
I especially talked about some things that pertained to my oldest daughter.
I wondered aloud how my children feel.

My parents aren't divorced and I realize that I have no clue how a child of divorce feels. I can't understand or predict the profound pain that a child would feel during the process and for life.

That is a (MAJOR) problem.

After class, I was privileged to have a conversation with a fellow classmate.

She approached me and in a matter-of-fact way said:

"You know the things you said about your daughter? I was that girl. I understand."

I knew right then she had to write for this blog.

Her name is Jessie Dent.
She sports winning confidence, a gorgeous smile and a wise countenance.
And...
 I am happy to say that not only will she write but she will be a regular contributor.

Meet Jessie:




ABOUT ME:


My name is Jessie Dent, and I am a 22 year old kid of divorced parents. Sometimes I forget, because I am lucky enough to have great relationships with both my mother and my father. But when it comes to voice recitals, holiday's, first day of college, wedding day... oh how I remember.
I am originally from Portland, Oregon. I currently live in Sandy, Utah with my amazing husband Andrew.

Growing up in Oregon, as a Mormon with divorced parents, I felt noticed. You feel like "that kid". 
One thing that I discovered is that divorces can be lonely. For me, my grades went down in school, I hid behind my glasses, and I was awkward. It was hard to sit in church meetings without a dad, and it was even harder when kids pointed that out too (as if it weren't obvious enough).

The song Families Can Be Together Forever... that song is bitter sweet to me. I love every word. I believe in every word. But sometimes I just didn't want to hear it or sing it. Even though both of my parents are remarried, and I am married as well, I still have a hard time singing it... because I think of other kids, mothers, or fathers that are sitting in the same room and feeling sad and lonely.

I also have had some great moments along this crazy journey. On our first little Christmas, feeling very alone and wondering who remembered us, we had a "Secret Santa". I will always remember the gifts given that Christmas. From ornaments, to a manger set, to movie tickets to just go and have a great time. Some nights my mom would hear their car pull up outside, and we knew that the Secret Santa was just a 'window-peek' away. My mom never let us look out the window, and I'm so glad she didn't. Til this day I will never know who it was that gave us the beautiful picture of Christ on Christmas morning. I will never know who it was that made our Christmas feel so special, and I'm so glad that someone out there felt it necessary to reach out to our little family. I will forever be grateful to them for teaching me the lesson of giving even when you are not recognized for it.

I am excited to be sharing insights, stories, advice, and also learning from all of your experiences about blended LDS families.
 



Monday, September 24, 2012

Real Life...

We hear about people re-marrying and families blending, but what really happens after the wedding cake is gone?  All bets are off.


Every family is different. Each situation is different. Each family has different people, different dynamics and different circumstances. 

 Blending a family is never easy and it's never perfect. Therefore we need to hear, read, and research other stories and experiences for help. We need to talk to each other.

Strength in numbers right?

 Here is a great question and answer session with Steve Harvey, author of New York Times Bestseller "Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man".

He uses a comical approach to defuse hard situations, manages to stay in control of his children and does it with love and a splash of common sense practicality.

(This link needs to be followed through all the way to YouTube)



I'm getting really excited about our upcoming guest bloggers! I have some great people who are willing to share their stories with us and help keep this conversation going.

Make sure to become a follower so that you can receive email notification of new posts!

In the meantime, do you have any questions you would like to see answered on this blog? I think a question and answer post from time to time could be really helpful. I would be looking to other readers for answers as well.

I appreciate all of your support in this endeavor.

email me @

barbhasmail@gmail.com

-Barb

Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Sunday thought...





After every storm the sun will smile; for every problem there is a solution, and the soul's indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer.
William R. Alger

Monday, September 17, 2012

Resources

In my search for help and answers I have come across a few things that have been life savers to my family and I. Often I find myself with a sad heart and a burning question. What do I do?
First I pray, and then to be quite frank and honest.... I Google it! ;-)
These are a few things that my kind and true friend "Google" has come up with: ;-)


1. http://www.bonusfamilies.com/



This website is a positive help center for blended families. I love it. The founders Jann and Sheryl are experts in the field. And I mean EXPERT! Here is a snippet from their website that explains exactly why..


"Bonus Families®, as an organization was founded in 1999, but the ground work was laid years before. The founders, Jann Blackstone-Ford, PsyD., a divorce and stepfamily mediator, and Sharyl Jupe, had weathered the ups and downs of co-parenting children after divorce for ten years before they felt qualified to form an organization to help others. How did these two women meet? Sharyl is Jann's husband's ex-wife.
Sharyl & Jann
Jann and Sharyl did not get along at first. It took years of butting heads before they realized they could actually work together. This effort evolved into what is now known as Bonus Families®. The goal of the Bonus Families® organization is to offer mediation, conflict management, support, and education to people attempting to combine families after a divorce or separation. It combines Jann and Sharyl's practical experience with the expertise of professionals to offer down-to-earth real advice that works."

This is not an LDS specific site, but I have found so many articles here that have helped me to cope and come out ahead in many difficult situations. I love that they refer to Step Families as "BONUS" families.  What a fun and positive way to refer to the people you love!



This site has also been very beneficial to me in my constant search for answers. There are so many resources here.
In particular, I found an article that has been a life saver for the Dads I know who are the "non-custodial" parent. Dads are often overlooked; their suffering is ignored.
A majority of divorces are not the choice of the husband. When divorce rears its head, these Dads feel completely stripped of the things that are most important to them.
Often the things that happen are completely out of their control. 
If you are that Dad, I want you to know that people are noticing.  

Please take the time to read this article. I think that it is comforting to know you are not alone. Millions of Dads are going through the same thing and there is a way to make a difference in your children's lives.  

It's comfort and it's rooted in the gospel.

Here is a link to that specific article:


3.



This book is a treasure of ideas, solutions and insight. It also helps to explain how a child in a blended family feels. It is worth the money and worth your time.
You can find this book on Amazon by following this link:
 http://www.amazon.com/Stepcoupling-Creating-Sustaining-Marriage-Blended/dp/0609807412/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347909638&sr=1-1&keywords=blended+families



4.


This is another fabulous book. It helps Stepmothers to cope and better understand what children and spouse are going through. It's comprehensive and practical. It is definitely a "must read."
You can also find this book by following this link to Amazon:

  http://www.amazon.com/Love-Him-His-Kids-Stepmothers/dp/159869894X/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347909983&sr=1-5&keywords=blended+families



5. Friends and Family

Another great way I have found support and learning is through my friends and family. Their life experience and love is an irreplaceable treasure. 
I appreciate the support that I have been given from these very loved people.

6. Daily Affirmations

Have you ever heard or seen a quote somewhere and it got you through the day?
I have.
I know someone who sends her best friend a positive quote or thought everyday.
To me, it is very important to stay positive even when times are especially hard. I would challenge anyone in any situation to find a thought or a quote each day. Think about and ponder its meaning. How can you use it to make yourself a better, happier, person?
Here are a few that I have seen or have been sent to me by people I love:


 






 Do you see what I mean? Don't be afraid to seek out the positive. Immerse yourself in meaningful and uplifting reading material. Find something inspirational each day to think about.

7. Prayer







This is a provable fact.

Just this summer, my husband and I were faced with a gut-wrenching dilemma that had to do with our children. After a few days of what seemed like constant torture we felt we were at our breaking point. It was that broken-heart, kick-in-the-stomach, sick-feeling, kind of desperation. We were exhausted from the emotional turmoil. 
We were also on a deadline. We needed fast answers and our time was almost up. 
It felt like do or die.

That night I had to do about an hour worth of driving and errands. As I drove, I felt more and more hopeless. 
What could I do?
 I suddenly knew I needed to pray. I didn't kneel or fold my arms. I just talked (and cried) out loud to my Heavenly Father while I drove.

During that time, I handed the problem over to Him.
A sincere and heartfelt plea for help.
It was just that easy.

When I returned home an hour later, my prayer had been answered in a profound way.

Through an unselfish act of kindness by a friend, we found peace.
I'll never forget what that person did.

Never doubt the miraculous power of prayer.
That day, for me, was truly a miracle.

I know that Heavenly Father does not always answer prayers on our timetable or in just an hour. But I do know that He answers them. Always.

 I have never had a stronger testimony of this.

3 Nephi 27:29

  Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened.


And I am not always good at this! I am very independent and think I can always do things by myself. 
But I have found through meaningful, heartfelt prayer, my life is better.
It is a true and everlasting principle. A most powerful tool.
Use it.

Take a minute to watch this video:



-Barb



p.s. I will continue to post more resources I come across. I'd also like to hear about the things you have found.

Next week, because the topics on this blog up to this point have been a little heavy, I'd like to liven it up a little bit by posting something funny. I've got something in the works.....but in the meantime, do you have a humorous blended family story?

 email me at barbhasmail@gmail.com


p.s.s. As always, I am on the look out for contributors to this blog. If you or someone you know would like to be a guest blogger please send me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com
If you are new to this blog please take the time to read this post: "Forever" Family Lost..  to understand the mission and purpose behind this blog. 




Tuesday, September 11, 2012

This is me....and my blended family





I wanted to take just a few minutes of your time and introduce myself. 
My name is Barbara Finlinson. My husband, Rust and I, are head of a beautiful blended family. (I don't really care for the term step-family.) I have four children from a previous marriage and he has three. We are a family of two handsome sons and five beautiful daughters. 

Part and parcel with this arrangement come my husband's ex-wife and my ex-husband. I'm a (step)mom and my husband is a (step)dad.
My children have a (step)mother and (step)sisters and we all have our own expectations, emotions, stresses, jealousies, and baggage. 
Both sets of children travel several hours every other weekend to spend time with each different household. This, in and of itself is hectic, expensive, and stressful. But Rust and I think that fostering a relationship in both places is very important for our children.

My husband and I went to high school together but did not know each other. We grew up in traditional Mormon families and both were married very young. 

We ended up, after about 15 years, back in the small towns we grew up in, at the same time and going through the same things. We feel like Heavenly Father put us into each others path for a reason. We both feel extremely lucky to be here in this situation together.

I am eternally grateful for him. He is a rock of support and love.

But blended family life is not always easy.




We are Latter-day Saints (or Mormons). I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I know that it is true. I also know, because of my faith and obedience to its teachings I have been blessed in my life, in all ways, and especially through extremely difficult times.

 Church for me, changed when I divorced and it changed again when I remarried. 

My husband and I go to church every Sunday and take the children we have at that time with us. My husband's children, in essence, have two home wards. My children do not attend church with their Father and so only go to church half of the time.

 Both of these situations are difficult in their own way. 

We both have children that do not live with us. We don't have full control over what they are taught. Family home evening includes less than half of us. Sometimes we have conflicting church activities like Primary Programs, Scout and Young Women's camp.

Leaders do not always understand and do not always show compassion. Sometimes the lessons  taught are painful and confusing for myself, my husband, and our children. 


Where do we fit in?


A blended family always has different problems than a traditional family. 

Rust and I are forging ahead through unknown territory and often extremely painful situations.
 We are doing it together.

But sometimes I feel alone.

Sometimes I am angry. Why is this my problem? Why did my children have to go through this?

Sometimes I am indifferent. 

Sometimes I am so ridiculously happy in my relationship with Rust ......I feel guilty.

But ultimately, throughout all of this, I am convinced
  the things that have happened to my children, my husband and I are ultimately for our learning and good.

 I do manage to see the silver lining. I'm also humbled by the deep love I have for my husband and know that without these trials I wouldn't have him. This is a double silver lining. So I keep going.

 I research, I pray, and study the scriptures.....and then I pray again....and again...and sometimes (on a bad day) all day long.

 And of course I wonder.....how will this all work out??




I know there are many families out there with stories just like or similar to us. I know there are many families that deal with the same issues.
 I want their help. I want a support group. I want the strength that comes in numbers.

This is my hope and prayer for this blog. Could we share our sorrows and pain? Could we share our issues and our solutions? Could we share our joys and successes? And can we share our testimony of the gospel and how our blended families tie into its eternal teachings?

I also hope that this blog can be positive. I know everyone out there has been bitter and angry at an ex or a spouse's ex. There is a real temptation to call names and be spiteful...(I'm laughing while I'm writing this) :-) I hope that as we write our stories and share our issues, we can refrain from doing those things. (No matter how good it would feel at the time.)

If you have been there, you know and you know that we know..... And that is precisely why we need each other.

I am, as we speak, on the hunt for people who will share their story. E-mail me if you or someone you know would be willing to contribute. If you have read a great article or have other resources contact me as well. Any small quote, snippet of wisdom, story, or book is happily welcomed.... Anything!! Anything at all!!! :-)

Thanks again,

Barb

barbhasmail@gmail.com



"Forever" Family lost.......

Divorced and Mormon. These are not usually words that you hear together and I'm not really sure why. I'd like to quote statistics on Mormons and divorce but I'm unable to find current ones or ones I would trust to be accurate. But just living life in an LDS community, I have become acutely aware that I am surrounded by divorced/blended families. And yet often, I feel alone.
I'm Mormon and I've been divorced.  Am I a failure?

There is not much resource to study here. But this is what I know:

 I am a daughter of God with intrinsic worth. He loves me and knows my heart.


I am not the heroine spoke of in many stories I've read. She endured decades of abuse, torment, infidelity, addiction, unhappiness, (or insert your problems here) and did so with charity and long suffering until finally one day her husband's heart softened and happiness was found. That's not me.  I could not "stick it out" with my first husband. I don't have a miraculous story to tell. But that's ok. 

I'm not broken and neither is my family.

By no means am I encouraging divorce. If I could talk anyone out of frivolous divorce I would. My advice would be to try. Try like you have never tried before. Shed blood, sweat, and tears. Don't give up! The grass is DEFINITELY NOT greener on the other side.......all the time. Life will not always be easier in a different situation. It is afterall, life, and therefore a test.

But sometimes, it is not necessary or healthy to stay married to a certain person. That is okay too.


If you are divorced, don't despair. Remember there is hope. Your life is not over. In fact, you can make it infinitely better.

 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
Joshua 1:9

He is always there. You are not alone. You are not a failure. You've suffered an eternal loss that nobody can understand unless they've suffered it too. I want you to know that there are many other people, just like you, going through the same things. 
They have suffered the same loss. 


  Don't despair. 
If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel keep trudging through. Heavenly Father has a plan for you. He will guide you and when you look back at this time of your life you will see the miracles He performed in your behalf.
 Yes, the family that you dreamed of having and maybe even had is gone. That is over.
 Things will never be the same. But ultimately your loss will be repaid.
      

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.
That which is taken away from those who love the Lord
will be added unto them in His own way.
While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful
will know that every tear today will eventually be
returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
-Joseph B. Wirthlin

  
But, sometimes even the church lacks comforting resources. The teachings that once brought you joy and comfort (ie; eternal families, marriage, etc) sound hollow and can become painful reminders.
Church can sometimes feel totally different and foreign. I remember sitting through fast and testimony meetings. Ward members would get up and thank Heavenly Father for their beautiful spouse or their forever family, etc... I'd sob and go home. 
My daughter came home from Primary crying because they had sung "I'm so glad when Daddy comes Home". 
I was asked if my daughter really could fulfill her Beehive Presidency calling because she is gone every other weekend. 

These things are painful for me......and for my children.

Sigh...

 The list goes on and on. Many people don't understand, leaders don't realize, Bishoprics and leaders don't receive special blended family etiquette training, etc. This is because nobody talks about it.

I want to change that.

 If you are remarried life is still hard. Prince or Princess Charming came but now there are a new set of problems. Usually these problems come in the form of new family dynamics....such as his/hers and ours children, the ex husbands and wives, and their new spouses.

New marriages are not perfect. They also have a set of problems. It's an enormous and eternal learning curve. You could deal with jealousy, resentment, competition, and a whole new set of emotions you may not even have known existed. You added more people. You added more possibility for problems.

There are unanswered questions. You need advice. I need advice. 
WE ALL NEED ADVICE.

But most of all, we need ideas. We need each others experiences, heartaches, successes, and joys.

We need each other.

We are allies in the same battle. We are a resource for each other. We need the "what works" and the "what does not work" and the "what DEFINITELY does NOT work".....

 I recently read a book entitled "Trust God No Matter What" by Darla Isackson. In it, there are two chapters that specifically reference divorce. This is her insight:

"Because of what I've experienced in the twenty-some years since (her divorce), I can understand better why the Church is so adamant in its position on avoiding divorce. For the parents and for their children, life after divorce can be full of emotional challenges, likely to dim the glow of special occasions, and less likely to bring joy....
Because of the Atonement there is always hope. The Savior extends hope to everyone - including those of us who found our marital situations unbearable and chose to divorce, whatever the reasons."


 My goal for this blog is to grow knowledge and spread hope. To start a conversation about divorced/blended Mormon families and the issues that we face.

Let's gain strength from each others experiences.

 I am no expert on this subject so my words will not always be the ones that you read on this blog. In fact, I need your help! I want to feature guest writers. Are you someone that could contribute? Would you be willing to share your story and  insight? Do you know someone who is facing these issues? Have you been inspired by someone's story? Please let me know.

 Send me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com

In Matthew 7:17 we read:

 "What man among you, having a son, and he shall be standing out, and we shall say, Father, open thy house that I may come in and sup with thee, and will not say, Come in, my son"

We don't need to stand outside alone. Come in. Let's do this together. 

-Barb