Only Kindness Matters...

 Not too long ago, I was feeling especially battered and bruised. Sometimes all of this blending is super tough and I admit to having some really bad days. My husband (ie. the amazing and inspired one) always has something to help. Whether it is a thought, an example, a kind word or even a scripture he seems to know exactly what to say to change my day from bad to better. . On the above mentioned day, he had been reading scriptures and came upon this little beauty:

 23 Now, I speak unto you concerning your families—if men will ^asmite you, or your families, once, and ye ^bbear it patiently and ^crevile not against them, neither seek ^drevenge, ye shall be ^erewarded;

 24 But if ye bear it not patiently, it shall be accounted unto you as being ^ameted out as a just measure unto you.

 25 And again, if your enemy shall smite you the second time, and you revile not against your enemy, and bear it patiently, your reward shall be an ^ahundred-fold.

 26 And again, if he shall smite you the third time, and ye bear it ^apatiently, your reward shall be doubled unto you four-fold;

- Doctrine and Covenants Section 98:23-27

Ok, Ok, I can do this.... Breathe,,,,,,

I would definitely prescribe the reading of these scriptures the next time you are feeling battered and bruised. 

Catch the spirit of kindness and try to just let go of the other stuff.... Or just laugh and eat cake.. :-)

-Barb

p.s. I would like to send a shout-out to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with a very wise and compassionate husband.

Boas and Top Hats... By Jessie

Every family has a great family photo. It seems like it's smack dab in the middle when you walk into their house. We had one, with the 4 of us, but it was taken down after Dad moved out. For some reason, a home doesn't seem a home unless a few walls are filled with pictures. Our wall was empty.

We always had our family photo's taken at Yuen Lui, a nice photography studio in Portland. Every photograph was usually with all of us matching somehow, and very posed. "1, 2, 3, smile!" This time was much different.

I heard Mom upstairs. It was only a few minutes until she came down with an armful of purple, sparkled boa's, and a few top hats. (From our dress up box we used to play in). "Go get your black high heeled shoes, Jess!" I ran and got them, to see what in the world Mom was up to. Both Rox and I got our shoes, and she handed us a purple boa and top hat. "We're going to get pictures done tonight!"

I was a bit confused, but at the same time so excited. Why would I wear this!?

She told me, and I'll never forget, "We're taking on the world ladies! We're going to dance and have so much fun tonight, and get our pictures taken."

It was THE BEST photo shoot we ever had as a family. Silly pictures of us with top hats on and purple boa's, and black and white outfits. We looked like tap dancers almost, but with some attitude. 

The wall was filled finally, and this time, with a silly picture. It reminds me everytime I'm home visiting how instead of taking an icky situation, my mom had us dance right through it.

My advice to parents is to just have fun during the hard times. Take crazy pictures. Go dance in the rain. Play board games until 3am with your kids. Just be silly! Fill your walls with great memories of you, and fill your home with a peaceful and fun place that your children feel safe. It makes all of the difference!

__________________________________________________________

 I love this story by Jessie and I have to admit it brought me to tears. I remember a time in my life when I did exactly what she is suggesting. I also remember how wonderful it felt to laugh, have fun, and forget for just a minute all the hard things that were happening in my life.  It was good for me and it was so very good for my children. I would like to suggest that everyone do this at least once and maybe even more than once and maybe even OFTEN. I think it's time I do this again. This is my silly picture:

 Thanks for reminding me Jessie...

Happiness Amidst Turmoil

Learning to find happiness amidst the turmoil of life has been a topic of much thought and study for me lately. I believe that finding happiness is one of our purposes here on earth. I also believe that a kind and loving Father in Heaven is always there to help us in our search for it. I know He wants it for us and that He has prepared a way for us to find it.

I truly believe that happiness is ultimately a choice we have to make. We have the power to create it within ourselves despite the raging tempest swirling around us.

I teach a communication class to troubled teens and their parents once a week in Provo, Utah. The students learn what is called the "Path to Action." This "path" takes them  through the before, during, and after processes of a difficult conversation. I want to focus on the before portion.

In all situations of life we go through certain processes that define who we are, how we feel, and then ultimately how we act. This is usually how it goes:

See Or Hear Something --> Tell Ourselves A Story --> Feel --> Act on Those Feelings

First, we see or hear something, then we tell ourselves a story about what we saw or heard. After we have convinced ourselves of that story, we start to feel in response to it.These feelings bring actions.

Something Happens...... Watch how you can control the outcome:

Bad Story = Bad Feelings = Bad Actions

It can be a vicious cycle. Let's  change that. 

Good Story = Good Feelings = Good Actions

As you can see, the ultimate power lies in the "Tell Ourselves A Story" step. This is the most important part, and it is where we need to focus. Its application is not just for a hard conversation, but for every aspect of our lives. It can change attitudes, it can bring happiness, it can bring peace, and it can change lives.

We must CHANGE OUR STORY.  When we see and hear the turmoil, heartache, and pain around us, we still must CHOOSE to find the silver lining, see the beautiful and be happy.

"My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 

(John 14:27)

LET not your heart be troubled. We must not LET ourselves despair. We have the power.

We also have the knowledge from scripture that the Saviour wants us to "be of good cheer."

"In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

(John 16:33)

I recently read a small book entitled "Finding Peace and Happiness" by Toni Sorenson.



 In it she states:

 "Jesus would never command us to do something and fail to provide a way for us to do it. If He says we can have peace and happiness in the midst of tribulation, then we can... Over and over His message is, "Be of good cheer."

Camille Fronk taught us at the April 2004 BYU Women's conference that:

"To the paralytic man lying helpless on a bed, Jesus proclaimed, 'Be of good cheer'. To the frightened Apostles battling the tempestuous sea, Jesus appeared on the water, declaring "Be of good cheer'. To Nephi the son of Nephi, who was subject to an arbitrary law threatening his life and the lives of other righteous Nephites if the signs prophesied by Samuel the Lamanite didn't' occur, the Lord said, "Lift up your head and be of good cheer'. As Joseph Smith met with then elders about to be sent out, two by two, to missions fraught with trouble and danger,  the Lord announced, 'Be of good cheer'. In each instance the people had every reason to be anxious, fearful, and hopeless, yet the Lord directed them toward a reason to rejoice."

In her book Toni Sorensen said:

"The very reason we exist, the very reason we were created was made clear by the Prophet Joseph Smith: "Happiness is the object and design of our existence." President Lorenzo Snow said: "The Lord has not given us the gospel that we may go around mourning all the days of our lives."

Let us not waste the blessing of life in misery. I challenge you to tell yourself a new story. Remind yourself of all that is good and all that you are thankful for. Don't get tangled up in the negative. Don't let the hard people or difficult situations in your life steal your happiness. 

Some days it will be harder to tell yourself a story of happiness. That's okay.

In an article entitled  Cultivating Happiness in the Blended Family by Diane Green, she talks of ways to find happiness. She lists some positive things to try, but with a small disclaimer:

"Remember, you cannot expect someone else (ex spouses, new spouses, step-children, etc.) to apply these same behaviors, but you can apply them  yourself and begin to reap the benefits."

Ultimately we can only change ourselves and what is inside of our own heart. We can also change how much power the negative things have over us.

 “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
~Kahlil Gibran

Let go of bitterness, and anger. Forgive others. Forgive YOURSELF. Don't fall prey to self-pity or self-doubt. Tell yourself something different...... something beautiful. 

Change can start today.

-Barb

An Anonymous Comment Strikes A Chord...

When I started this blog I fully intended it to be a discussion. Also, I have to be honest, I started this blog because I wanted help. I wanted to talk about what I was going through. I wanted to know that somebody other than me struggles with these things. I am amazed at the outpouring of heart and soul I have had from readers. Today I was blown-away by a comment that was posted in response to the "Natalie's Story" post. Like the anonymous commenter, this story has been on my mind....A LOT! I would like to say thank you to whoever wrote this truly inspired comment. I needed it. I hope that as you read, you will also take the time to read the articles at the links she included. If you have something you would like to share, please comment or write me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com. This is what she wrote:

I found this blog right when the first few posts were written. I was in search of it. I wanted to know there are people who understand. Many of the posts there have given me comfort and hope. One particular post has been on my mind a lot lately.

I haven't typically been one to open up, but I had to reply to it.

---------

I have never had to struggle with my emotions before my divorce and it has been somewhat of a rollar coaster. How do we get over the pain and let go of the past when it keeps popping up disrupting our life? You just want the flies to quit buzzing around your ears, your eyes, your nose, your food, your house, your family... You want so badly to put up a net where the flies can't get in...a safe haven where everyone is protected and comfortable. Sometimes they [the flies] go away for a little while and all is well in the world, but they keep coming back, and you keep getting disappointed... and then you come to realize the flies are here to stay. The exes come in our territory and mess up our routines, half our kids miss out on family vacations or holidays, and there is a division in the family you cannot deny, no matter how hard you try. I don't know, I'm new to this blended family club, but it seems to me you just have to get used to these "flies". I suppose it always takes time to get used to a new normal.

On the other hand, I sometimes catch a glimpse of how being a blended family has been so good for us, for all of us. We rely on the Lord, we adapt, we learn how strong each of us are, we work together, we grow, we blossom, we appreciate, we cherish, we love, we care. I can see that our trials have helped us learn and grow. There truly are pros and cons in everything, opposition in all things. One article I read suggests, "Since God’s greatest concern is our spiritual growth, and challenging circumstances often spur spiritual growth, perhaps life in a blended family is more “ideal” than we might suspect." You can read the full article here: http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/8041.

Then again, being part of a faith that so strongly encourages the "ideal family"...and with good reason (Check out this article about why we Latter-Day Saints stick to the Ideal: http://thefamily.com/2011/11/15/the-perfect-family-why-we-latter-day-saints-mormons-stick-to-the-ideal/), you can see why it is such a rollar coaster of emotions for those of us who so obviously don't meet this ideal, and why it is such a devastating loss for those of us who once had that ideal and then somehow lost it.

Day by day, count your blessings, focus on what's most important, and WILL yourself to stay on the sunny side of life. It is impossible to come to Earth and feel no pain the entire time you are here. Pain is not an option. Misery is. The truth is...the flies are there for everyone. They may not be as visible to everyone, but we all have our struggles. And we mustn't let a few flies ruin our party.

Growing Up In A Blended Family....Toni's Story

I come from a "traditional" family (if there is such a thing), so I don't even begin to think I can understand how my children feel being a part of a blended family. But I WANT to know what I can do to make it easier and make life a little bit better for them. I am so glad Toni e-mailed me and told me her story. Did you grow up in a blended family situation? Comment and let us know what worked or what didn't work in your family! Or better yet....e-mail me your story! This is Toni's story...


A little history: When I was 14 my family lost our Daddy after a long battle with illness.  It was a bit of a relief.  The medical bills were gone, the stress, strain and constant worry about his condition was over and our family, though grieving, spent 2 years in relative peace.  We achieved a norm unlike we'd ever had and things for my two brothers and I were comfortable.  

Then "Dad" came along.  In a whirlwind romance that you'd expect from 17-year-olds, my Mom and her new man tied the knot. He had 5 kids.  She had 4.  From the top down we all had a double with an extra spoiled baby daughter at the bottom.  With two married kids (both with a baby) and two that had already moved out that left five of us on bottom who would live together.

I remember the day that we were introduced.  We met them at the park (neutral ground) and were expected to "hang out" together.  It was awkward.  Needless to say we weren't really birds of a feather.  I wasn't excited about my new Dad or the kids he was bringing with him.  Despite my best attempts at attitude-ing my Mom out of it, I gave up.  She was going to do this, she loved him and I was happy for her.

Today:   Fast forward 15 years.  Our blended family is still a work in progress.  There have been a lot of fun times, a lot of hard times and I am more thankful every day that my Mom found my second Dad.  It took 14 years for me to call him that, but I'm glad that my parents let me come to it on my own.  It feels right now.  

I know now as a Mother it is all too easy to try and push my kids to do what is right . . . . or what I think is right.  That urge has probably caused more trouble for our blended family than any other.  When my parents can step back and let us kids just be, life is better.  Even now as adults there are times when Mom or Dad will try to over-encourage our inclusion of each other; times when we 'get in trouble' for gathering as "his kids" or "her kids" or forgetting to invite someone to some obscure family gathering.  It is frustrating and breeds resentment and exclusion.  Even as adults we like to pick our own friends.    

As a mother of small children I find myself constantly saying, "You work it out."  Yet, growing up I would often go to my Mother with a problem, who would then, in turn talk to her new husband and he would talk to my new brother or sister.  If only I had heard those words, "you work it out," a little more, I would probably have a much better relationship with my siblings.  Maybe we didn't need a mediator, just permission to rock the boat a little with some good old fashioned confrontation.  

I am infinitely grateful that I have been blessed with my blended family.  I don't pretend to understand how hard it is to raise children that way; but if I could ask one thing of parents who find themselves in the situation it is this:  let your kids find their place.  It takes time.  But it will be so much sweeter if they orchestrate their own relationships, build their own bridges and forge their own friendships.  Encourage them, pray for them, and then let them be.

Got Time?

 I have been divorced. 

I remember a time in my life, not too long ago, when I heard those words or thought of myself in that way, and it was literally like a ton of bricks fell on top of my head. 

I also remember telling everyone and I mean EVERYONE.....that I would never talk to a male member of society again.

EVER.

Thankfully that time in my life has come and gone. The change happened slow, and on my own terms. But nevertheless, it happened. My heart healed enough; and I was able to VERY tentatively try again. 

I read this quote recently and it felt profound. Why? Because it describes what happened to me.

 “Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.” 

-Alan Cohen

I let go.

It really was that simple. 

It took courage…it took time..... and that is okay.

In fact, that is an important milestone. Don't rush it.

Because I was able to let go and let myself heal…. I met my husband.

I feel incredibly privileged to be his wife. 

Being married to him is like coming home.

*(sigh of relief)*

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson

But it's still hard.

and here's why....

We are newlyweds, we are still getting to know each other....and we ALREADY have KIDS!!

Lots of them…. And lots of BAGGAGE!! Yep, I said baggage!

And because of that…

WE ALREADY HAVE MAJOR FAMILY PROBLEMS.

There was no breaking in period. None.

 There was no slow build-up of other human beings completely dependent upon us...They are already here...
7 precious little-ish ones.

It's a good thing they are cute. ;-)   

This is anything but romantic.

Sigh... 

How can we keep the spark alive in the midst of a tropical rainstorm of crazy kiddomness?!?!?!!?!?!???

(Ooh a metaphor and a made-up word in the same sentence…I must be on a roll!) ;-)

But that is not all…

Let's not forget that a major part of the craziness in our lives is not the children's fault:

ie. These little guys have another parent that we must constantly deal with.

This can be emotionally charged, frustrating, stressful and downright painful.

Thankfully not all the time,

but there are hard situations that come with this new family arrangement.

And all that is really okay too…and becomes increasingly easy with time, prayer, and patience.

So the question is:

HOW do you keep the spark alive amidst emotional turmoil and increased stress? 

David B. Haight said: 

You might wonder, “How can a marriage be constantly enriched?” We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, and integrity and also by ministering to and sustaining each other in our difficulties. Adam, speaking of Eve, said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23).

There are so many parts of this quote that I could write an entire essay on; but today I am going to focus on “endless friendship.”

I’m sure you are thinking that I’m really in no place to give marriage advice.
 You’re probably right.
But I do know some things through experience.

Here is some of what experience has taught me:

Be your spouse's best friend.

We "re-marrieds" already know all of the other 10,000 fabulous ways to keep your love alive…

ie: Date night once a week

Love Notes

Compliments

Don’t go to bed angry

Don’t yell at each other unless the house is on fire

Etc. Etc.  Blah Blah Blah…

We know these.

Oh, how we know them!!

 And we practice them.

Especially now…after all of…… THAT……

But don’t ever, ever, underestimate the power of time.

(YOUR) undivided time.

I’m being serious. Be your spouse's best friend, in all ways.

Let me tell you what that means for me:

  Learning to love the things my husband loves so we can spend more TIME together.

I’m about to tell you what the consequences for that little piece of advice have meant for me.

My husband loves horses. I mean he really LOVES them.

Even those two sentences fail to describe the passion he truly has for these animals.

I, on the other hand, have never been around them. To be frank and honest, I have built up a healthy fear of the equine species over the years.

A VERY healthy fear.

But don’t underestimate my devotion. :-)

I laugh in the face of heart palpitating fear…..HA HA HA

Ok..maybe not.

Let me tell you a story.

Ever since my husband and I started dating he has taken me on horse rides from time to time. He knows I’m a little nervous, (ahem….he has no idea how nervous) but I go, and feel like I get a little more confident every time. At least I DID feel that way, and kept feeling that way, right up until he took me on a horse ride in the mountains about a month ago. This consisted of several miles of (what I would call steep mountainsides, large drop-offs, and life threatening close-calls) beautiful flat countryside.

I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided I would ENDURE my mind-numbing, white-knuckled fear for the sake of my Hub. Oh, how I endured. I endured, and endured, and kept right on enduring until about half-way up the trail.

At that point my endurance had pretty much been worn down, through one terrifying experience after another, to a mere stub of absolutely NOTHING.

 I was on the brink of tears and could NOT go any further. I lost it, told my husband that I was getting off, tried not to cry and through squinted eyes accused him of setting me up to fail. BUT……He was not having any of it. According to him I wasn’t done, and he was NOT going to let me get off.

He obviously had no idea what happens to a woman after she has gone momentarily insane.

 I was getting off of that horse, and there wasn’t anything on this earth that was going to stop me! Not even him!  I could have back flipped off. I was NOT going to be on that horse’s back one more minute. Ignoring his attempts to keep me in the saddle, I jumped down and bravely (desperately holding back tears) told him to take my horse and ride down the trail, because I would be walking for the remainder of the evening.

I could tell he was trying really hard not to be mad; and after a few minutes of trying to convince me otherwise, he rode down the trail.

I was left alone.

The magnitude of what happened set in, and I could no longer hold it in. I started to sob.  Then I started hyperventilating. The heavy breathing came complete with weak knees and shaking hands… I had never been more terrified. I started walking (more like stomping) my way down the trail. I walked and cried, cried and walked, and while I was walking and crying I got madder and madder.

I didn’t care what my husband said; I was never getting back on a horse again, as long as I lived!

NEVER!

As my tears slowly ran out, I looked around and realized I was in the middle of nowhere, in bear country, by myself.

The weeds and bushes were tall, it was dusk, and I got scared. So I started running, and running and running……The trail just KEPT ON GOING!

Then the bushes moved.

I panicked a little bit. Then they moved again. Something was in there and it was coming right at me! At that moment, I knew I was dead. I was going to be bear fodder. I hated for it to end this way. My husband wouldn’t even know what happened to me.

I imagined him finding my boots three months later.

The world started spinning just a little bit…..I was dizzy…

As I ran around the bend I realized it was just my husband. 

Ugh! He waited for me!
 I slid to a stop. What was I supposed to do now?

I knew right then I had two choices:

I could get back on the horse, admit I was wrong and finish the ride, or I could walk right passed him with my head held high, and pretend I hadn’t just been bracing myself for a brutal bear attack.

 I wish I could tell you that I got back on the horse. But I can’t. Impending death could not even penetrate my hard head. He asked me if I was ready to get back on. “Nope” I said, hoping he didn’t notice my red swollen eyes. Then I continued walking down the mountain. 

I walked for what seemed like 3 million miles. The moon came out and I broke out into a cold sweat. The thought of sharp bear teeth was working its way into my brain again.

Then I saw him, a man on horse coming up the trail. 
My heart silently leaped!

“Good,” I thought, “he’ll scare away the bears.”

My husband came into view, but soon I realized this man was not my husband at all. 
He pulled up right in front of me.

“Is walking REALLY better than riding? “ He laughed. 
He and my husband had obviously discussed my predicament!

“Pfffft.” I snarkily replied and plodded on.

After what seemed like 13 hours, I made it to the truck, got in, and swore to my husband and high heaven I would never ride another horse again. 

And that was that....RIGHT?

Wrong.

I slept on it, and in the morning…I bargained with him.

 I promised him that if he would let me practice riding in the arena, I eventually would feel more comfortable on a horse and ride that mountain trail with him again…...someday ;-) He, being born and raised on a horse, could not see how that could possibly solve any problem. But not wanting to totally give up on me, he reluctantly agreed. 

So, (to my utter delight..*healthy dose of sarcasm* ) we rode in the arena every date night (and almost every other night as well). I wasn’t about to be beaten by a horse or give up spending time with my husband.

 I eventually learned to trot (without breaking out into hives). And… by the end of the summer, I could lope.

 I am sure you are proud. Okay, you might not be, but I am.

And…get this..

 I cannot begin to put into words what this summer has meant for our relationship.

Did I want to ride horses every date night? NO.

But I did.

You might be asking yourself….Does he do the same thing for me? 

 Absolutely.

And it feels good. (It was possibly worth every heart palpitation I had.)

Sparks are flying.

 A strong, shared conviction that there is something eternally precious about a marriage relationship builds faith to resist evil. Marriage should be beautiful and fulfilling, with joy beyond our fondest dreams, for “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (1 Cor. 11:11.) - David B. Haight

And although we are far from perfect…

This is beyond my fondest dreams.

Now go and spend some time.

This is the time that will bolster you up during stress and hardship. This is the time that will remind you why your life together is worth all of the other *stuff*. 

This is the time that brings you together and will keep you together.

Forever.

 If you just absolutely cannot trust my advice, take a look at the snippet below from www.helpguide.org .

 I’m sure they have licensed and trained professionals writing for their website and not just some girl who has been there.

Here is what they have to say :

Maintaining marriage quality in blended families

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch during school time.

(follow the link below to read the entire post) :

 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

p.s.  (or ride horses, watch sports, change your car’s oil, dig a ditch….whatever it takes. Eternity is so worth a little dirt and boredom. And the sparks in my husband’s eyes are worth every minute.) 

-Barb

A Positive Approach..Tiffany's story

I have received some really heartfelt e-mails from people who have gone through divorce and its aftermath. One of the reasons I started this blog was to create a support group. I am so grateful to those of you who are willing to share your story with me and with the readers of this blog. I want you to know that sharing your story/stories is a service to others, and I hope it can help other people just as much as it helps me. This is Tiffany's story:

I have been a happily divorced mother of 4 for 3+ years. I will spare the public the details of my divorce because we all know every story has 3 sides. The important part of my "story" are my 4 intelligent, beautiful, resilient and wonderful children.

Believe it or not, the very FIRST conversation my ex-husband and I had after the divorce decision had been made was how were we going to ease the burden this choice of ours would put on our innocent children.  We had no idea at this time the impact it would truly have on them. I will get back to this... First, you have to understand the perspective of my children (and everyone else who knew us) regarding our marriage and relationship. Not only did we never fight in front of our children, we never fought period.  We were the epitome of the "perfect Mormon family". We faked and we smiled and we did "all the right things" for a lot of years. In reality, we were both extremely unhappy and finally everything that had been swept under the rug for so many years started spilling out like a volcano! Needless to say, the divorce announcement on our part was a shock & surprise to anyone and everyone who knew us. Especially our sweet, innocent little children.

So, we sat down with the 4 of them and tearfully explained our choice and reassured each of them that we both loved them very much, and none of them were to blame. We promised them that we would continue to work together to raise them, we would always support each other in our parenting decisions and most of all we are still and always will be a family.

So begins a new normal... Yes, we are a family. Our family might be different than others, we have different struggles, challenges and issues than other families but this is OURS. Uniquely ours.

It has always been my goal to accentuate the positive.  You bet there are challenges and heartaches and sadness, but I always spin it as positively as possible. My children have seen me cry. It is important for them to know that It's ok to be sad sometimes but those moments are few. I don't just act positive.  I truly believe that we are blessed and our family is not "broken" or divided. Not by a long shot.  When I met & married my wonderful husband, our family was multiplied.  Multiplied by aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that have welcomed me and my kids into their fold with open arms.  I couldn't be more blessed with the "bonus" family we are now a part of. With the challenges that face our children every single day, what could be greater than having more people who love them, watch out for them, and support them?  We often discuss all of the positive, wonderful things and people that are in our lives only BECAUSE of the changes. People we wouldn't have known and experiences we wouldn't have had otherwise.

Of course it would be easier at times to be negative, bitter, angry and sad especially if you believe you have been wronged by a former spouse and his/her family and friends.  I'm not going to say I have never felt that way because believe me I HAVE! But I make a conscious decision every single day to be positive and to banish any thoughts of hurt or anger from my mind.  There are so many beautiful, positive things in my life. I would be doing myself a disservice if I were to focus on anything else!

If I could shout out to the world of divorced parents I would say.... Don't ever ever ever speak negatively of a former spouse (in front of the children is a good rule of thumb but I choose to do it never).  Regardless of your feelings toward this person, your children are half of them.  Would you say terrible, mean things about your children? Well, you are when you speak negatively of their other parent.  You may think you are turning them to "your side" when in reality you are doing just the opposite.  Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they figure things out on their own.

So, my advice is SUCK IT UP, bite your tongue, always be more kind than you need to be. It doesn't matter how the other party chooses to play.  You can only control how you play and you have such an influence on the way your children view life, change, & challenges.  How do you want THEM to play? Of course it's not easy, especially at first but it gets easier and I PROMISE it is so worth it. Embrace the changes, challenges and trials that come your way. You may be surprised at what blessings may come from them.
 ______________________________________________

 About Tiffany:
 I have 4 awesome kiddos aged 5, 10, 15 & 17; a "perfect for me" handsome husband; we live in sunny St. George; I'm an RN at Dixie Regional Med Center on the ortho/neuro unit; I love boating, reading, cooking & shopping; and adding to my extensive shoe collection.

Real Life...

We hear about people re-marrying and families blending, but what really happens after the wedding cake is gone?  All bets are off.

Every family is different. Each situation is different. Each family has different people, different dynamics and different circumstances. 

 Blending a family is never easy and it's never perfect. Therefore we need to hear, read, and research other stories and experiences for help. We need to talk to each other.

Strength in numbers right?

 Here is a great question and answer session with Steve Harvey, author of New York Times Bestseller "Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man".

He uses a comical approach to defuse hard situations, manages to stay in control of his children and does it with love and a splash of common sense practicality.

(This link needs to be followed through all the way to YouTube)

I'm getting really excited about our upcoming guest bloggers! I have some great people who are willing to share their stories with us and help keep this conversation going.

Make sure to become a follower so that you can receive email notification of new posts!

In the meantime, do you have any questions you would like to see answered on this blog? I think a question and answer post from time to time could be really helpful. I would be looking to other readers for answers as well.

I appreciate all of your support in this endeavor.

email me @

barbhasmail@gmail.com

-Barb

A Sunday thought...

After every storm the sun will smile; for every problem there is a solution, and the soul's indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer.

William R. Alger

Resources

In my search for help and answers I have come across a few things that have been life savers to my family and I. Often I find myself with a sad heart and a burning question. What do I do?
First I pray, and then to be quite frank and honest.... I Google it! ;-)

These are a few things that my kind and true friend "Google" has come up with: ;-)

1. http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

This website is a positive help center for blended families. I love it. The founders Jann and Sheryl are experts in the field. And I mean EXPERT! Here is a snippet from their website that explains exactly why..

"Bonus Families®, as an organization was founded in 1999, but the ground work was laid years before. The founders, Jann Blackstone-Ford, PsyD., a divorce and stepfamily mediator, and Sharyl Jupe, had weathered the ups and downs of co-parenting children after divorce for ten years before they felt qualified to form an organization to help others. How did these two women meet? Sharyl is Jann's husband's ex-wife.

Jann and Sharyl did not get along at first. It took years of butting heads before they realized they could actually work together. This effort evolved into what is now known as Bonus Families®. The goal of the Bonus Families® organization is to offer mediation, conflict management, support, and education to people attempting to combine families after a divorce or separation. It combines Jann and Sharyl's practical experience with the expertise of professionals to offer down-to-earth real advice that works."

This is not an LDS specific site, but I have found so many articles here that have helped me to cope and come out ahead in many difficult situations. I love that they refer to Step Families as "BONUS" families.  What a fun and positive way to refer to the people you love!

2. http://www.ldsdivorcesupport.org/Blended-Families.html

This site has also been very beneficial to me in my constant search for answers. There are so many resources here.

In particular, I found an article that has been a life saver for the Dads I know who are the "non-custodial" parent. Dads are often overlooked; their suffering is ignored.
A majority of divorces are not the choice of the husband. When divorce rears its head, these Dads feel completely stripped of the things that are most important to them.
Often the things that happen are completely out of their control. 

If you are that Dad, I want you to know that people are noticing.  

Please take the time to read this article. I think that it is comforting to know you are not alone. Millions of Dads are going through the same thing and there is a way to make a difference in your children's lives.  

It's comfort and it's rooted in the gospel.

Here is a link to that specific article:

http://www.ldsdivorcesupport.org/Dads-of-Divorce.html

3.

This book is a treasure of ideas, solutions and insight. It also helps to explain how a child in a blended family feels. It is worth the money and worth your time.
You can find this book on Amazon by following this link:

 http://www.amazon.com/Stepcoupling-Creating-Sustaining-Marriage-Blended/dp/0609807412/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347909638&sr=1-1&keywords=blended+families

4.

This is another fabulous book. It helps Stepmothers to cope and better understand what children and spouse are going through. It's comprehensive and practical. It is definitely a "must read."
You can also find this book by following this link to Amazon:

  http://www.amazon.com/Love-Him-His-Kids-Stepmothers/dp/159869894X/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347909983&sr=1-5&keywords=blended+families

5. Friends and Family

Another great way I have found support and learning is through my friends and family. Their life experience and love is an irreplaceable treasure. 

I appreciate the support that I have been given from these very loved people.

6. Daily Affirmations

Have you ever heard or seen a quote somewhere and it got you through the day?

I have.

I know someone who sends her best friend a positive quote or thought everyday.

To me, it is very important to stay positive even when times are especially hard. I would challenge anyone in any situation to find a thought or a quote each day. Think about and ponder its meaning. How can you use it to make yourself a better, happier, person?

Here are a few that I have seen or have been sent to me by people I love:

 

 Do you see what I mean? Don't be afraid to seek out the positive. Immerse yourself in meaningful and uplifting reading material. Find something inspirational each day to think about.

7. Prayer

This is a provable fact.

Just this summer, my husband and I were faced with a gut-wrenching dilemma that had to do with our children. After a few days of what seemed like constant torture we felt we were at our breaking point. It was that broken-heart, kick-in-the-stomach, sick-feeling, kind of desperation. We were exhausted from the emotional turmoil. 

We were also on a deadline. We needed fast answers and our time was almost up. 

It felt like do or die.

That night I had to do about an hour worth of driving and errands. As I drove, I felt more and more hopeless. 

What could I do?

 I suddenly knew I needed to pray. I didn't kneel or fold my arms. I just talked (and cried) out loud to my Heavenly Father while I drove.

During that time, I handed the problem over to Him.

A sincere and heartfelt plea for help.

It was just that easy.

When I returned home an hour later, my prayer had been answered in a profound way.

Through an unselfish act of kindness by a friend, we found peace.

I'll never forget what that person did.

Never doubt the miraculous power of prayer.

That day, for me, was truly a miracle.

I know that Heavenly Father does not always answer prayers on our timetable or in just an hour. But I do know that He answers them. Always.

 I have never had a stronger testimony of this.

3 Nephi 27:29

  Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

And I am not always good at this! I am very independent and think I can always do things by myself. 

But I have found through meaningful, heartfelt prayer, my life is better.

It is a true and everlasting principle. A most powerful tool.

Use it.

Take a minute to watch this video:

-Barb

p.s. I will continue to post more resources I come across. I'd also like to hear about the things you have found.

Next week, because the topics on this blog up to this point have been a little heavy, I'd like to liven it up a little bit by posting something funny. I've got something in the works.....but in the meantime, do you have a humorous blended family story?

 email me at barbhasmail@gmail.com

p.s.s. As always, I am on the look out for contributors to this blog. If you or someone you know would like to be a guest blogger please send me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com

If you are new to this blog please take the time to read this post: "Forever" Family Lost..  to understand the mission and purpose behind this blog.